Fate is Chance. Destiny is Choice.

Monday, October 31, 2005

A Couple of Thoughts

Hey, I've been neglecting this blog for a while, mainly because a) Real life beckons and b) I've got a case of disillusionment with computers and the internet in general. I mean, generally, I enjoy using the internet, and I think computers are invaluable, especially when you're a student and need to do a lot of research and write a lot of essays. I also love the fact that you can buy things online, although I'll come to why this is a bad thing in a minute. I think there are a lot of great resources on the web, and I regularly (like most car-less students) use the Tescos website for my weekly food shop. It's great for finding out practical information, like where things are, how much things are and reviews of things, not to mention mundane essential things like when your local swimming times are.

However, I've found that the internet somehow disconnects you from real life, from the reality and sensuality of the world around you. I mean, it's all very well buying a perfume from an online store, but how do you know what it smells like or even if you will like it? How do you know that the particular pair of trousers you are buying will actually fit perfectly? The internet also encourages people to buy more; like most things in this consumerist world we live in, the more access people get to things they can buy, the more they will feel encouraged to buy. I'm definitely no angel, and I'm not saying that this is bad - especially if you have the money. But there lies the problem - being a student, with rent, train tickets, bills and food to buy, there is enough temptation without such easy access to those extras: clothes, dvds, books, shoes, etc etc.

It's not just internet shopping that disconnects you from reality. When I was a teenager (not that long ago, I'm almost 21), I formed some really good friendships on the internet, especially via Bolt.com - and also reinforced some of my older relationships with real life friends. However, the bolt chatroom world and the constant MSN world somehow made me lose track of reality, of common-sense and I ended up feeling like people in places as far away as America could be true, honest and lifelong friends.

Of course, some of them definitely did end up as lifelong friends, particularly my boyfriend, I'm talking more about people who are extremely far away. It's not a bad thing to talk to different people, but starting to feel too emotionally involved with their lives and feelings was quite draining, especially being a teenager. It also got me too caught up, so that most of my evenings were spent on the computer. When I met my boyfriend, it was the point at which I became more engaged with reality, more engaged with the sensuality of the world. I think when you find people who make life happier and more interesting, life becomes more than just existing.

I think one of my biggest fears is that everything will end up being about technology and the internet and computerized things. To me, the internet is a tool for us to use, but life should not become revolved around computers, because human contact is such a fundamentally important part of life. If we stopped talking to people, stopped interacting with people on a face to face level, we would become nothing but robots, and the technology that we have ironically engineered to 'help' us would become our oppressor. There is only so much that technology should be allowed to do.

Anyway, having said that, everything has a dark side. I've always thought that there is good and evil in the world and there is plenty grey area in between that. As I've said before, I like reading/watching the battle between good and evil. If everything was perfect then it would be boring but there is a certain limit, and a fine balance between good and bad. You can call me disillusioned, I certainly am in particular respects but I think everyone is cynical to some extent about what our world has become. I do appreciate the good things in life though! :-D

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Friday, October 21, 2005


Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to hear everything. Some people would assume that this would make life easier, but it could just make life harder. I've found that so many of my (hearing) friends and relatives moan about the noise levels of some places, about how hard it is to hear what people are saying in a noisy club or bar or restaurant. I find myself getting annoyed with them sometimes when they ask me to repeat myself...talk about role reversal!

I think I've always been quite impatient, and I realise how much patience it takes for some people (especially impatient ones) to repeat themselves for me. But I think it's important to realise that deaf people don't have any choice in the matter, just as hearing people in a crowded noisy place don't. I sometimes find myself feeling grateful for people being patient but then realise that I shouldn't be grateful because it's a basic human right to be able to hear and understand each other. I mean, I'm happy when people repeat things for me but at the same time, being grateful would imply that you should thank someone, if you know what I mean?

On a completely different note, I bought the first two series of Charmed on DVD recently. Its one of those things - Charmed reminds me of how strong a sister bond is and at the same time satisfies my craving for good drama and lots of supernatural happenings. I'm studying a course this term about the Supernatural (in a sociological sense) called 'The Sociology of Anomalous Human Experiences' - basically about parapsychology (paranormal psychology).

Logical science denies such happenings because they believe that it can't be proven scientifically. Parapsychology is basically an academic strand that is devoted to documenting and trying to prove that there can be psychic experiences, and UFO sightings and things like that..rather mad but very interesting all the same :-) Not that I claim to have much first hand experience of these things, but it is obvious that people have had a large amount of paranormal experiences across history. Parapsychologists have conducted some really interesting experiments to prove that humans have psychic capabilities in some cases.

Anyway, back to Charmed! I'm on the second season now, first DVD, its a really good series for anyone interested in supernatural things, especially demons and witches! I've always had a penchant for things that can't be explained, maybe it's that part of people that wants to escape - fantasy and science fiction is a great way to do it. I'm a fan of Fantasy fiction because I just love the fight against good and evil and so on :)

In some ways I find fantasy such a contrast to everyday life, that it is the ultimate escape. The best fantasy books I've read *recently* is the Eragon Trilogy (the third book is in progress though) - 'Eragon' and 'Eldest'. The books are about this boy growing into a man and he finds a dragon egg. The story is about his quest to become a dragon rider - it has all the vital ingredients of fantasy and adventure, like elves and dwarves and so on :D

At the moment, however, I'm reading something closer to reality called 'An Equal Music' by Vikram Seth (a famous fiction writer). Its good so far, but sometimes I find that when I'm not in the right mood, fiction and non-fiction make me feel depressed although there are some fabulously uplifting books out there that I love. This particular book is about how music runs through people's lives and about the power of love to transcend a lifetime. Sounds good..well verdict sometime soon!!

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Thursday, October 20, 2005


Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the world was devoid of all the advertising and images and illusion. It would be my perfect world, one in which you don't feel as though you have to live up to something, as though you have to look a certain way or feel a certain way, because isn't that what western society is about? Because I'm doing Sociology, it's given me an unique way of looking at our world, and a lot of the time I don't really like what I see. I mean, everyone could do without the pressure and negativity of certain images the media projects, of certain ideals we have to feel we live up to. So what if a woman isn't stick thin or wearing the latest fashions. But magazines and television and cinema makes some women feel guilty and take more precedence over their appearance. Why is our world so obsessed with appearance?

I think my ideal world, or Utopia would consist of less judgement, more depth and less prejudice. I wonder if anyone else thinks about these things, wonders what a world like that would be like, where people are individuals with their own thoughts and who are not afraid to express what they think, and not try to oppress other people's ideas. If ideas seem wrong, they only become wrong if they are acted out, or make everyone else unhappy.

Having said that, maybe life is about trying to live your life by certain codes, by believing that you can be a good person and enjoying yourself. It always pays to be open minded and optimistic and try to give as much love as possible to the people that matter to you. I know this world seems obsessed with appearances and so on, but maybe you can try to ignore that, especially if it makes you unhappy. It makes me unhappy sometimes, and I've had furious discussions about it! :D

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Monday, October 10, 2005

If At First You Don't Suceed Then Try Again...

Well...whats to say about my life? I'm a University student at York University and it's great having that independence! It also makes you appreciate family and friends more because you don't see them that often. I live in a house with two other girls - one of them is studying biology and the other is studying history of art. They're both great!

I'm deaf, I have been from the age of 6 when I was diagnosed - I do have memories of being able to hear but I think what happened was that I dealt with it very well up til I was 6, I've always been a good lipreader. I definitely heard more then than I do now - as my hearing deteriorated when I was 15 but I have digital hearing aids and they're really good cos I can hear things fairly clearly. I have always loved music, one of the best memories I've got is me being in a funk and my Dad putting on Michael Jackson's Thriller album, which definitely cheered me up :-) I've always read widely, and I just love to escape to another world in books. I've read so many books that my one fear is that I'll run out of things to read one day!! I've always been optimistic and I refuse to feel as though I'm disabled because labels like that are pathetic because they are so negative. I would say that being deaf has actually enrichened my life in many ways although it is hard work sometimes.

I'm going to be 21 this year so I'm excited about that...I suppose it would make me legal to drink in America - I'm going to New York as a treat before Xmas this year. I've never been to America and I love travelling so it's really something to look forward to. I'm also hoping to go travelling with my boyfriend of 4 years and 8 months - next year we're hopefully going on holiday somewhere together :) My boyfriend lives in Edinburgh and I travel there a lot, I almost consider it a third home! (after York and London). He also has a blog - his url is http://straydogstrutt.blogspot.com/ - so go on have a look..you know you want to :D

I've got a lot of interests, I've always tried to be interested in lots of different things - you don't know whether you'll like something til you've tried it. I think that you have to take a chance with your life and try and make it work for you, try and achieve what you want to achieve. If it doesn't work the first time then you should just keep trying :)

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