Fate is Chance. Destiny is Choice.

Friday, July 28, 2006

It isn't like a rainbow, this feeling inside...

Paris was good, but far too hot for me, I spent most of the time sweating and guzzling large bottles of water. It got up to 39 degrees at one point! I must explain that I don't really like the summer when it involves walking around and getting sweaty and being forced to move around when all I want to do is read a book and go to sleep! I kind of like autumn, winter and spring as the weather doesn't overheat my brain and give me crappy headaches that I have when I wake up in the morning, convinced that I must be in the farthest reaches of hell. Only kidding! ;)

However, sometimes I do think I'm in hell on earth. I'm not a religious person, understand. I feel that we should make the most of being alive here on earth, with our families and friends, in whatever way we can. But I sometimes feel heartsick that there is so much pain and suffering in the world. I read the blog of a woman in Iraq the other day.

It made me sad, and completely, utterly angry at all the cruel, so called "patriotic lets save the day" kind of stupid men like George-Bloody-Bush. And the US army. Just because they wear uniforms and have guns and are Americans doesn't mean they have ANY right to rape, torture and mutilate women, especially those women who are trusting them, the so called 'troops' to help their country, to restore order. I feel a profound, despairing sadness when I hear about women being raped in times of war. I feel powerless. I feel helpless. It makes me die inside. It makes me feel that I cannot do anything, when I want so much to stop these hate crimes against women, against human beings.

Why do people support war? Do they even care, that by giving people like George-Bloody-Misogynist-Bush the power to proclaim war somewhere, they are causing the rape, death and torture of millions? Don't people care about rape? Are all the myths perpetuated about rape brainwashing everybody into thinking that it's All Women's Fault? Don't people understand that our so called "raunch culture", the pornography industry, the media, prostitution and misogynist attitudes are causing unspeakable hateful attitudes towards women? I've felt that rage more that once. No, I haven't been raped, I haven't been beaten up. But I see it everywhere. I read blogs every day that make me feel that, although there are some amazing survivors and wonderfully angry women out there, I can't do anything, even if I can.

I HATE the attitudes I see on TV and in culture towards women. I hate them with a powerful passion. I hate the fact that people I know dismiss my feelings on the subject when I object loudly to something I see on TV, because it's "just a laugh" or something to that effect. And yet I am sometimes afraid that I will lose the love of these people. But then I tell myself that they should love me for who I am, what I care about and my passion for certain things. I feel as though I'm standing on a precipice, the edge of a cliff and perhaps I will fall or be pulled back. I don't want to be cautious. But I don't want to fall and perhaps not have anyone to break my fall. I've always been strong but I've always needed people to listen to me, to care about the things I care about. Maybe that is what being human is all about. For me, love and understanding matter to me more than anything.

I want my life to make a difference to people. To make a difference to women and deaf people. I want to make sure that people aren't feeling scared and alone and betrayed by our society, by the world. I've felt betrayed and alone and scared, I know what it feels like to feel like the world is messed up and cruel and does nobody any favours. Yes, there are good things in this world, I would be the first to admit that. But theres not enough good for me for redemption of all the pain in the world.

I apologise for the doomed atmosphere of this post, I guess I'm in a black mood at the moment. But I don't apologise for telling the truth of how I feel. I hope someone can relate to me somehow, or that my post makes someone feel they are not alone. I want to thank all the feminist bloggers who have written some amazing posts recently, it's really helped me.

Liz xxx

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Saturday, July 15, 2006

"Summer days, drifting away, Into oh, those summer nights!"

It's been a while - lots has been happening recently! I got a 2.1 degree by the way, which I'm really happy about, I had my graduation ceremony on Thursday so I was up in York staying at a B+B with my family til Friday. I moved out of my house two weeks ago back home to Barnet (North London). I can't say that it's really sunk in yet, but I'm sure it will soon enough. I didn't really believe I had a 2.1 until I actually saw the certificate at the graduation ceremony!

Its been very busy, what with the unpacking etc, so I haven't really had time to sit down and post recently. This is going to be quite a short post because it's another hectic day - my parents, my sister and I are off to Paris for four days tomorrow morning so I'm packing yet again! It seems that I've been living out of a suitcase ever since I moved home...it's probably contributing to the feeling that I'm not really 'home' yet.

My sis doesn't get her GCSE results til August but we're going to Paris to celebrate anyway :) She is going on to do her A-Levels at Hendon School too (like I did) but she isn't quite sure what she wants to do yet - she wants to do four A-Levels but the Hearing Impaired Unit aren't sure if they will be able to cover all the subjects with notetaking etc. But I think she's going to give it a try at least (I did three A-Levels - Sociology, English Lit and ICT).

Then, in September for the first two weeks, I'm going away with my partner to Nice in the French Riviera which should be great. I'm excited about it, although a bit nervous as I've almost always relied on my Mum who knows quite a bit of French! So I'll be brushing up on my French I think! It's also the first big holiday that me and my partner have been on without anyone else (we went to Paris for 4 days a few years ago though).

I'm also going to think about doing a Masters Degree (MA) in either Women's Studies or Sociology. I would love to do Women's Studies but I'm not sure whether it would fit with the kind of job I want to do...but you never know! The more 'logical' thing to do would be to do a sociology research MA and carry on the research project I did about deafness in society etc. I'm in two minds about it really so I'm going to take a closer look at courses at York and then maybe London or elsewhere. I would love to go back to York though, I love it there.

Back to the present though...I'm starting to feel the stress with packing so I'll have to go and get down to it! I hope everyone who stops by has a good week and weekend :)

Liz xxx