It isn't like a rainbow, this feeling inside...

Paris was good, but far too hot for me, I spent most of the time sweating and guzzling large bottles of water. It got up to 39 degrees at one point! I must explain that I don't really like the summer when it involves walking around and getting sweaty and being forced to move around when all I want to do is read a book and go to sleep! I kind of like autumn, winter and spring as the weather doesn't overheat my brain and give me crappy headaches that I have when I wake up in the morning, convinced that I must be in the farthest reaches of hell. Only kidding! ;)

However, sometimes I do think I'm in hell on earth. I'm not a religious person, understand. I feel that we should make the most of being alive here on earth, with our families and friends, in whatever way we can. But I sometimes feel heartsick that there is so much pain and suffering in the world. I read the blog of a woman in Iraq the other day.

It made me sad, and completely, utterly angry at all the cruel, so called "patriotic lets save the day" kind of stupid men like George-Bloody-Bush. And the US army. Just because they wear uniforms and have guns and are Americans doesn't mean they have ANY right to rape, torture and mutilate women, especially those women who are trusting them, the so called 'troops' to help their country, to restore order. I feel a profound, despairing sadness when I hear about women being raped in times of war. I feel powerless. I feel helpless. It makes me die inside. It makes me feel that I cannot do anything, when I want so much to stop these hate crimes against women, against human beings.

Why do people support war? Do they even care, that by giving people like George-Bloody-Misogynist-Bush the power to proclaim war somewhere, they are causing the rape, death and torture of millions? Don't people care about rape? Are all the myths perpetuated about rape brainwashing everybody into thinking that it's All Women's Fault? Don't people understand that our so called "raunch culture", the pornography industry, the media, prostitution and misogynist attitudes are causing unspeakable hateful attitudes towards women? I've felt that rage more that once. No, I haven't been raped, I haven't been beaten up. But I see it everywhere. I read blogs every day that make me feel that, although there are some amazing survivors and wonderfully angry women out there, I can't do anything, even if I can.

I HATE the attitudes I see on TV and in culture towards women. I hate them with a powerful passion. I hate the fact that people I know dismiss my feelings on the subject when I object loudly to something I see on TV, because it's "just a laugh" or something to that effect. And yet I am sometimes afraid that I will lose the love of these people. But then I tell myself that they should love me for who I am, what I care about and my passion for certain things. I feel as though I'm standing on a precipice, the edge of a cliff and perhaps I will fall or be pulled back. I don't want to be cautious. But I don't want to fall and perhaps not have anyone to break my fall. I've always been strong but I've always needed people to listen to me, to care about the things I care about. Maybe that is what being human is all about. For me, love and understanding matter to me more than anything.

I want my life to make a difference to people. To make a difference to women and deaf people. I want to make sure that people aren't feeling scared and alone and betrayed by our society, by the world. I've felt betrayed and alone and scared, I know what it feels like to feel like the world is messed up and cruel and does nobody any favours. Yes, there are good things in this world, I would be the first to admit that. But theres not enough good for me for redemption of all the pain in the world.

I apologise for the doomed atmosphere of this post, I guess I'm in a black mood at the moment. But I don't apologise for telling the truth of how I feel. I hope someone can relate to me somehow, or that my post makes someone feel they are not alone. I want to thank all the feminist bloggers who have written some amazing posts recently, it's really helped me.

Liz xxx