Fate is Chance. Destiny is Choice.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It's December!!

Well..no awards for a creative title there!! It's the end of the week for me cos I've got nothing else at Uni til Monday..so I'm just passing a little bit of time rambling away. I wonder if I mentioned I write poetry and lyrics? It started a couple of years ago while I was at secondary school (thats high school, just in case), probably because I was going through one of those times when nothing seems to make sense so you need to write it down somewhere. It's changed alot since then and I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe it's just because I'm more engaged with life than I used to be, I appreciate what I have more - like family and friends and stuff.

I used to think that maybe I stopped because a couple of bad things happened, if that makes sense? When bad stuff happens, you lose something inside you, maybe it's just faith or idealism that you lose. I'm much more sceptical about things than I used to be, I lost some faith in people along the way somewhere but I think it's getting better because I've grown up a bit and I realise that the only person who has the power to change your world is you yourself, you shouldn't rely on chances to come along, you should go out there and get them. But something has changed - I'm closed to some things because I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time, my capacity for love has become more open and I really do appreciate the people in my life.

The last thing I wrote was in November, I think it's just a general feeling I had about people around me in everyday life, making assumptions about personality based on what they see or experience about you but not bothering to look any deeper and get to know you better. It was about my housemate at the time but it could apply to anyone - and my sister said once that good poetry is something that people *hopefully* relate to and can be applied to almost anyone.

Hardly Understood

It feels so hard to get,
It seems like it's time
To go;
To move on to tomorrow,
You've hardly understood
Me yet;
So why go through this?
If you're not willing
To let me know;
What's going on
In your head,
It's like losing your way -
When you already know
Where you are;
I think you've hardly
Understood me yet.
So why assume
What you think you know,
And who you think I am?
(Because) there's so much
More to know.

I hope it makes sense to someone somewhere, and no, no copying allowed! I think poetry is the kind of medium that has a lot of potential - writing books/stories and so on is great but maybe not as abstract and creative as lyrical or poetical form. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme or stick to certain formats or genres to be good. It can be imaginative or realistic - it doesn't really matter. I've always thought good poetry means something to somebody though, whether it's the author or someone else.

I've thought a bit more about my project essay - because I've been reading a book with a collection of extracts from other books and so on. Basically so far it has discussed the deaf community and sign language as a language in it's own right. I know a lot of people assume that all deaf people, on becoming or being born deaf automatically become part of a deaf community. In fact, the deaf community can be extremely discriminating itself because what happens is that deaf people (such as people like me) who have hearing parents and go to "normal" schools with hearing impaired units attached (for notetaking and support etc) and whose first language isn't BSL as they talk and use English - are thought of as not accepting that they are deaf and don't feel proud of it, of their cultural heritage.

The Deaf community accepts fully people whose first language is BSL (British Sign Language), who choose to reject the dominant hearing culture - because the dominant hearing culture, to them, discriminates and refuses to make the world accessible to deaf people. People who talk and lipread and see English as their first language are thought of as avoiding the simple fact that they are deaf. A lot of people in the deaf community see 'hearing' people as the enemy, the hearing world as not their world.

But what of deaf people who use English and lipread but also use BSL (like myself, my friends and sister)? I think it's a more modern view to say that getting the best of both worlds, hearing and deaf, means that you should be able to communicate with both. A lot of people I know feel very strongly about deaf rights and access to everything in society, myself included, and although I have great respect for all deaf people, no matter what their communication choice, it helps to be able to put your issues across to the hearing world by talking or writing. I feel that deaf people need to be more receptive to the hearing world if they want to make things better for them and other deaf people. People don't know what you need until you tell them, and this certainly applies to deaf and hearing people both.

Theres also a massive dominant view in society, especially among health professionals and psychologists, that deafness is something to be "cured". I've been eligible for cochlear implants but decided to turn them down - partly because of the awful thought of having an operation and an electronic thing on my head, and partly because I felt rebellious and that I like myself as I am, this is ME, I am Deaf.

Okay, so I wasn't discovered as being deaf until I was 6, but apparently I just covered it up very well. My world didn't seem any different to anyone else's, I was a very happy child and only when you are told you are "different" does the world change for you. I know hearing people think that becoming or being born deaf is one of the worst things ever but my life has been full of interesting experiences and lots of learning curves - mostly because I am deaf...therefore I wouldn't change it for the world. I mean, it's up to the parents or the person whether they want to "cure" their hearing loss but trying to make someone as much "normal" as possible is just oppressive and unloving.

Anyway...as I've said before, I think there has been a lot of breakthroughs in recent years: British Sign Language has been recognised as a language in it's own right, there have been a lot of developments with Access issues and I think deaf people are debating the communication issue a great deal. I just hope that they recognise that it's an individuals right to choose how they communicate, and that it's not a criticism of the deaf community if someone's first language is English. I am proud of the cultural heritage of the deaf world, and I've done my stage one BSL exam and hope to do Stage 2 at some point (there are about 3-4 stages where you learn more advanced sign language)...the sky's the limit :-)

**It's my 21st Birthday tomorrow!!!!!**

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2 Comments:

  • This small paragraph makes so much sense to me. I have been in a 6 year long distance relationship with a man who refuses to show me affection because at this point in life “completing our education is the most important thing because we will be set for the future when it’s time to actually live together”. Being my first boyfriend, I thought a relationship was about showing affection and love for your significant other but so many times, I have had to learn that there are more important things than that: “education, immediate family and responsibility”. He tells me that things will be different when he has the advantage of “home-court”… when we are actually living together. That he will show me the affection and friendship I feel I need.
    I think I could have avoided all of this if I would have transferred from Texas A&M to some college in San Antonio where he is, but, he has never made me feel stable in the idea of living with him yet because “we are still in school and don’t have time for each other yet”. So I stayed in College Station, pursuing my degree and we only see one another one weekend out of the month. We live three hours apart (which was another issue I’ve brought up numerous times) because at the time, I never had transportation. I would have to wait, or he would ask me to take the Greyhound bus like I used to when I lived in Dallas) but by bus it takes 10 hours just to get to San Antonio. He has always had transportation but has found it difficult to study with me here on the weekends. Now I have transportation but limited funds to travel.
    I guess I’m scared that in the future, when all is said and done, he will end up working all of the time and I will never be happy like it’s been for me for the past 6 years. I love him so much, and the idea of leaving him is so deeply hurtful that I stay. But I’ve noticed I’ve “lost something inside of me, I’m much more skeptical about everything” in my life and I don’t have the charismatic passion for things I enjoy because I feel it’s not worth it. BUT WHY?!?!?! Has this relationship in some way oppressed my dreams, my goals, and my spirit? I feel let down more than I feel happy and free in this relationship.
    Writing this actually has helped me understand what I have been feeling. I’ve been so lost and confused. I feel I can actually think about me and not feel limited to what I can do in order to stay in this relationship. Even though he tells me “you can do whatever makes you happy,” I feel that I really can’t, after all these years I’ve learned to be a certain way and submit myself to his ideologies that pertain to love being last in a long list of responsibilities, immediate family and education.” I’m not a quitter. I realize that shedding myself from a painful past of having to repress true love is not what I want or need. I too want to be happy in life, and for so long I simply haven’t felt it. It’s time to move on.

    I just wanted to say Thanks!


    -College Station, TX

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 6:44 pm  

  • I'm glad my post helped you. It sounds like you will be able to move on and be true to yourself. I'm happy to say that I myself feel much better now than I did when I wrote this post, maybe because I've tried my hardest to ignite that passion in things that I thought I had lost.

    So I just want to wish you luck whatever you decide to do. You deserve much better than someone who won't give or show you affection - even when studying, surely theres always time for love?

    I've always felt that love and affection are important. When I was doing my degree, I tried to figure out a work/life balance and made sure I had time to do the things I wanted to do too.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings :)

    By Blogger Liz, At 7:47 pm  

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