Fate is Chance. Destiny is Choice.

I've moved

2007-05-15T20:14:00.000+01:00

Hi all...I've decided to move my blog over to Wordpress for numerous reasons - mostly because I'm fed up with Blogger (and it's many problems) and think it's time for a fresh start blogwise. I've managed to import my blog over to Wordpress so it's all there - including my cat pictures! I'm still updating the new blog domain so sorry if it's a bit rough and ready at the moment.

My new domain name is: http://destinyischoice.wordpress.com/ - I couldn't use fateischance as someone's already got it!!

Anyway, if anyone's around - thats my new address and hopefully you'll find a bit of time to update your blogrolls etc :)

Liz xxx

Feminism

2007-05-10T08:28:00.001+01:00

From Brand New Feminist (Grace).

Body and Image - Woman's Survey

2007-05-06T16:43:00.000+01:00

This survey is from Newt in a Teacup:

"Inspired by a comment or two in a previous post I’ve decided that it would be a great idea to compare our experiences in an honest, straightforward way. I’m not quite sure what the best way to start a discussion is so I’ve set up a few survey-style questions.

One thing I’ve noticed, especially from personal experience, is that it’s very hard to talk to someone else, a friend or family member for instance, who does have really bad body image/ health issues to do with body image. And it’s pretty clear that all of us will most probably meet at least someone with those issues; we can’t avoid it.

So let’s start talking to each other at least.

Copy and paste the questionnaire to your own blog, fill out what you want to fill out, and link it back here in the comments. If you don’t have a blog just do it straight into a comment.

Please do not refer to just yourself but to your friends and family as well - i.e. the environment you live in, or anything else you want to share. Add or remove questions if you want!

Remember this is a loose questionnaire, intended to start an honest discussion not solve the worlds problems."

Name: Liz

Age: 22

Height: 5'3

Weight: Not exactly sure, but last time I checked I think it was about 15 stone.

Do you consider yourself attractive? Yes - most of the time. I've come to terms with my own body, but at times old insecurities return.

Do others consider you attractive? Yes - my manfriend does at least! Also, my Mum and Sis sometimes give me confidence boosting compliments.

What is your biggest insecurity and why? The hair on my chin. Also, my upper arms and my excess weight do make me insecure at times but I always tell myself that it doesn't matter what other people think.

Have you/Would you consider using plastic surgery? Why or why not? No. I would consider it if I had to have reconstructive surgery, but that's it. Its expensive and major surgery and can go wrong. I think it's very difficult for women not to be seduced by the claims the industry makes, especially when the beauty/porn/plastic surgery industry preys on women's insecurities.

What is your relationship with make-up? I wear it quite a lot because I like experimenting with colours and different looks. I don't think it makes me look 'better' but I use it as a creative tool, part of my outfit etc. I don't wear it on 'off days' when I'm just lounging around or going down to the corner shop etc.

How much money do you/think is reasonable to spend on your appearance? Well..I do tend to overdo it with shopping. I don't buy as much as I used to but I do ocassionally go on shopping sprees when I have money to spare - I would guess around £50-£70 on these occasions.

What is your experience of dieting? My experiences have been frustrating. I have PCOS so I do actually need to lose weight for my health (no other reason as I'm happy with the way I look). It's 10 times harder for someone with PCOS to lose weight than a normal overweight person so it has been difficult, as I have a very slow metabolism. The doc has said exercise is the key and it isn't dependent on a 'diet' as such, just exercise.

Have you/ anyone you know tried any specific diet programs i.e. Lighter Life? How did that affect your health? your moods? your relationships? Yes, I tried The South Beach Diet. It was short lived, horrible and did work but then I put it all back on. It is a crash diet and the food is AWFUL (days and days of eating bacon and tomato for breakfast? Yuk. and tomato juice, which I HATE). I got quite moody because I was basically starving my body of stuff that it needed.

Do you have any experiences of eating disorders i.e. either yourself or someone you know? Not personally but I do know that some people my family know have had eating disorders.

How did other people react to this; what was the fallout? N/A.

Have you had negative experiences relating to your appearance and people’s reactions to it? Yes. When I was younger I got some cruel comments about my weight even though I didn't weight much more than a healthy child. I think people always look for a scapegoat to deflect away from their own problems. Some of my insecurities do pop up every now and again but I have a more balanced attitude towards my body. I loathe people that think being fat or overweight is the worst thing in the world because I think everyone has something beautiful about them. It just doesn't measure up to society's fascist standards.

What about positive reactions to your body? People comment on my style more than my body - I get positive comments about my clothes etc. I'd rather have those comments than people saying stuff about my body as it is MY body - it doesn't belong to the public.

How has your body image and attitude changed over the years? I used to be quite hard on myself - very critical about the way I look and critical about other women's bodies. But now I have learnt to love my body because there are many things I like about it, and the fact that it is mine, the only one I have. I've stopped feeling critical about other people's bodies, and I admit it is because I've grown up and have stopped listening to the media and dictates about what is 'supposed' to be attractive.

What do you love about your body? My face, particularly my green eyes. My skin. I also like my curves, my hands and my feet (because they carry me everywhere).

What is your opinion on the media portrayal of women’s bodies? It's horrendous, fascist and distorted. It's not real, its a distortion of reality. It has no room for the reality of women's bodies.

What would you change about the way you/ your friends/ your family/ general people see their bodies? That we are all seen as individuals, first. That the body isn't the most important thing about women. That looks come after all the other things in life, especially for women, who always appear to be judged first by their looks and everything else second. And also that we should accept other people's bodies and not be critical.

What makes you feel beautiful? Wearing the colour purple or teal/sea green. Being with people I love makes me feel beautiful. I think having love is something that should make people feel at peace with themselves, and also learning to love ourselves.

and just for fun… Do you shave legs/pits/upper lip moustache? Well, I 'trim' my chin hair and upper lip moustache. I ocassionally shave my legs and pits (normally only if I'm wearing sleeveless tops or have a night out) - because when I wear skirts I feel self conscious if I haven't shaved my legs - and agree that I shouldn't feel that way. I don't shave anywhere else, and wouldn't want to.

Blogging Against Disablism

2007-05-03T16:29:00.000+01:00

I've just missed blogging against disablism day via diary of a goldfish (again) but I thought I would do a post anyway.

I've been thinking about my general ideas of what disability means to me.

The word itself seems negative (to me anyway) - and I feel that the ways in which society labels different groups is generally a negative thing. But I generally subscribe to the social model of disability and at the same time believe that we shouldn't ignore the realities of disability either.

It is obvious that society is set up for people who can walk, hear, see and are able to be completely independent. For me, announcements, people talking behind me, people not facing me or covering their mouths when talking or mumbling, really affect my ability to be able to know what is happening around me.

I rely on using my eyes and what hearing I have (amplified with digital hearing aids) to be able to see what is happening around me. Even family and friends sometimes forget to be inclusive for me - and turn away, cover their mouths or talk to quickly (or when trying TOO hard, too slowly).

Its a constant source of frustration when I can't express my opinions about things because the conversation is moving too fast. I feel much more comfortable in one to one conversations than with quick banter or chat between three or more people. Sometimes I wish that everyone I know knew at least a basic knowledge of sign language, which sometimes really helps me to relax and rest my eyes (as lipreading is very tiring).

My manfriend knows some signs and the alphabet, which has been very helpful for me, and when with my friends Lucy and Charlene (who are also deaf), we use sign language as well as speech (Charlene is completely BSL so doesn't use speech but slows things down for me). I can't follow fast BSL (British Sign Language) but I have picked up a lot of signs and have taken my Stage 1 BSL exam.

I was a member of Chickenshed Theatre Company for 11 years up until I did my second year of A-Levels. They are the most inclusive microcosm of society that I have ever experienced. Their policy is that theatre, dance and music should be accessible to everyone. My longing (and their longing) is that society itself should be inclusive and accepting, no matter anyone's ability, race, gender, whatever.

They refuse to use the word 'disability' because it causes divisions and distinctions and prefer to work with what abilities and strengths people have, rather than excluding people 'because they can't do something' - if that makes sense? I WISH society would do that. Not exclude people but work with their strengths and develop people's skills rather than believing that an individual CAN'T do something because, for example, doctors and popular opinion says they can't.

I've seen first hand what people can do if they are given the tools to do it. I've seen wonders at Chickenshed and many of the people there feel that Chickenshed is the only place they can be themselves, gain confidence and achieve whatever they want.

I think I owe a lot to Chickenshed - especially in terms of my sister who is now doing the BTEC there (she's deaf too), and has gained so much confidence. I feel that having been there, I've seen what it is possible, maybe, for society to be if it was accepting and inclusive. I know, people may think I'm being a 'cheerleader', especially if they haven't experienced a Chickenshed show or been to the theatre.

The Arts council have been particularly galling with Chickenshed - they refuse to fund or support them because they don't see the company as a professional, inclusive theatre. They want Chickenshed to call itself, or see themselves as a 'disabled' theatre! They've been doing what they do for many years, which is include everyone, like I've said. This doesn't just apply to people that society see as 'disabled'. It means everyone - regardless of background and so on. The Arts Council like to 'label' everything into their neat little boxes - exactly like society likes to do.

I think feminism and disability rights/inclusivity are important for me, because I've always had to be a strong woman, a strong person, to cope with what society throws at you, both as a 'disabled' person and as a woman. I feel that the important causes in life are ones that put fire in your belly, that enrage you and make you feel that change is needed. I think I'm very idealistic - but I think this is positive as you always need to be able to see beyond reality and be optimistic.

It makes me feel that there is some hope in the world - especially with places like Chicken Shed existing; no matter what the rest of the world believe about you, there are always people out there that give a damn.

I've been Tagged...

2007-04-24T18:50:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged by Amy..so here's more time wasting fun:

A - Available or Single? I've been unavailable for 6 years (yes, since I was 16), so neither!!
B - Best Friend. Lucy in the sky with diamonds ;)
C - Cake or Pie. Pie I would have to say..especially the pies you find at Borough Market in London (foodie paradise..)! I find cake a bit to dry for my liking.
D - Drink of Choice. Chai Tea Latte..perfect combination of tea and milk and perhaps coffee (and spices)!
E - Essential Item. My bottomless bag (that carries within it any number of items, including my sony walkman mp3, mobile, various items of vanity, a book, etc etc)
F - Favorite Color. PURPLE!!! All shades of purple. In fact, my bedroom wall is purple!
G - Gummi Bears or Worms. Bears. Gives me a sort of twisted satisfaction (and guilt) to bite their heads off :-D
H - Hometown. Barnet. Not much happens here.
I - Indulgence. Wahh...lots of things. Mostly of the shopping kind - DVDs, CDs, books, shoes etc. Also...chocolate, yum. Can't beat sitting back with a large bar of Green and Blacks Hazelnut and Raisin milk chocolate :-)
J - January or February. February. I find January very depressing - after all the festivities of the holiday season. Also all that new years resolution stuff, that just makes people feel insecure - blah.
K - Kids. Well, depends what they're like. Don't really like them if they're all annoying and noisy (which is most of the time). I like the ones that are curious and eager to find things out and learn about the world around them.
L - Life is incomplete without… Chocolate, my lovely manfriend, friends, my sis and parents, books, music and quirky films (howls moving castle, volver, pans labyrinth etc).
M - Marriage Date. I'm too young to think about marriage dates!! I prefer to think about moving in first (which has yet to happen cos of money and both of us going back to Uni this year)!
N - Number of Siblings? One wild crazy indie younger sister (she's not that wild but close enough).
O - Oranges or Apples? Oranges...especially Satsumas and Clementines.
P - Phobias/Fears. Quite a few things but I think some of my worst are losing someone close to me or being in the midst of a war (which due to globalization is happening already).
Q - Favorite Quote. "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Yoda, StarWars. Hehe, only joking (although I think they are wise words!). I've got a few but one of my favourites is 'Life is much too important to be taken seriously' - Oscar Wilde.
R - Reasons to smile. Being able to learn, Love, Feminism and Sisterhood, Being able to escape through reading and music and the arts, sign-language, many many things.
S - Season. Spring - it feels like a time for renewal and fresh starts. I feel at my most creative and inspired during the Spring months.
T - Tag Three. Witchy Woo, Michelle (Lonergrrl), Laurelin. (anyone else who wants to take the Meme!)
U - Unknown Fact About Me. I'm incredibly shy and get very nervous before meeting new people.
V – Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals. Oppressor of Animals...erk. I suppose I like my meat. I do feel guilty quite a bit sometimes, especially as I did a course in 'Humans and Other Animals' at Uni and have studied the way humans treat animals. They share this planet with us and we treat them like subordinates :-(
W - Worst Habit. I've got a lot of bad habits - among them is a tendency to be lazy, sleep in, take ages getting ready (I like to take my time), not bother to tidy up when I would rather be doing other things, waste time just mooching around.
X – X-rays or Ultrasounds. X-rays. Ultrasounds are horrible - I've had to do a few because of my PCOS. Don't like the jelly and the prodding and poking.
Y - Your Favorite Foods. Chocolate (yum), Chinese, Indian, Spaghetti carbonara, dried mango, cherries, satsumas, pizza express pizza, raspberry and mandarin sorbet (have gone off ice-cream a bit lately). I love my foooood!
Z - Zodiac. Sagittarius (the adventurer of the zodiac).

Whiling Time Away...

2007-04-22T19:47:00.000+01:00

Just back from being away in Paris (aka Disneyland Paris, lol) with my partner. I'll probably post sometime in the next few days about stuff I've been thinking about..so until then, some time wasting fun (via WitchyWoo):

You Are a Ring Finger

You are romantic, expressive, and hopeful. You see the best in everything.
You are very artistic, and you see the world as your canvas. You are also drawn to the written word.
Inventive and unique, you are often away in your own inner world.

You get along well with: The Pinky

Stay away from: The Index Finger

What Finger Are You?

Gigi Lady

2007-04-04T15:32:00.001+01:00

**The Look Of Love**

Language that p**ses me off!

2007-04-04T15:32:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking about language and the subtle messages that it sends out to people.

For example, the use of 'girl' instead of 'woman'; the use of 'bitch' and 'ho'; the fact that swear words aimed at women always seem to degrade them to their sex or to animals, therefore less than human; and also the ways in which these words are used.

Part of the problem with the usage of 'girl' instead of 'woman' is that young men are called exactly that: young MEN. Instead of 'boys', males past a certain age are definitely called 'young men'. I rarely pick up hearing (well, lipreading) the word 'young woman' when a woman reaches 18 and onwards - even into their 20's some young women are called 'girls'. I think this comes from infantilizing and viewing women as non-threatening, a way of "putting them in their place". It slips out of everyone's mouth, often without them thinking about it. Does language subconciously mean anything or is it just subtle unthinking use that filters in from the media or whatever?

I've found a lot of people, often young women, using the word 'bitch' a lot. I stopped using this word a while ago realising that it degrades women to less than men. I've got nothing against animals (I love them of course!) but degrading women to 'bitch' is like saying "she's inferior, she's animalistic, she's beneath us". Basically, people use the word in terms of a woman being loud or 'bitchy' and so on. But I've noticed young women using the word referring, for example, to their girlfriends as 'my bitch' and so on. I assume this usage comes from rap/hip hop/rnb (its all rubbbish, misogynistic crap) - which is alarming, and also where the words 'pimp' and 'ho' are coming from.

I also notice that whenever a man/boy is saying someone is 'weak' they call them a 'girl'. I get SO pissed off with the use of 'girl' as implying weak, incapable, etc etc. It just reinforces the whole stereotypical idea that women are weak.

And women are also cut down to their body parts when swearing about them (for example, c**t, fanny, etc). This pulls women right down to their body parts and nothing but. I, however, object to the idea that women's body parts should be obscene in the first place - the word 'c**t' is just another word for 'vagina' and what is so obscene about a woman's nether regions (especially in its natural, hairy state)?

The media acts as though the word c**t is the most obscene word in the world, which implies that they view the female body as obscene (incidentally, I think this is what keeps porn going - the fact that there is that polarity between obscenity and purity - the 'guilt/rush' that goes with porn as viewing something "obscene" may keep men coming back).

These are just starting thoughts and I will probably come back to this subject when I've thought about it more clearly.

What Is Femininity?

2007-03-23T12:27:00.000Z

Via Witchy Woo's Wednesday Wow, comes this comment from Anuna who commented on Twisty's post at IBTP, which I think is worth a whole post of it's own, because of it's truth.

"Dear Twisty et alia,

I’ve been a lurker here for some time, and this assignment inspired me to blame out loud for the first time. I love this place.

Femininity is the bandage society enjoins us to wear to hide the wound it has made of our womanhood. Woman is what I am. In my woman’s body I find my strength and the expression of my creativity, my sexuality, my dreams and desires. To be a woman is good. It is NORMAL. A woman is not a damaged man, or a lesser form of man, or a creature designed to take second place to man or be a slave to man. Indeed, if “man” supposedly means “human,” then a woman IS a “man.”

But this sick, crazy culture tells me that as a woman, I am somehow much less than that. A woman is less than human. My vagina is defined as dark and dirty, my vulva as smelly and messy. My sexuality is either too much or too little, and always to be controlled by men and their definitions and desires. My body is not my own, to do with as I please. It belongs to others, to the hands and eyes of others, who define, defame, deride and detain me. My body is not supposed to be a source of pride or strength for me. Instead, my body becomes an object, not only to others but also to me. It is an animal to be tamed and imprisoned, an artifact to be carved up and operated upon. I’m not allowed to feel my own body. Nor am I allowed to know my own mind. A woman has no self.

Femininity is what I am issued to replace my woman-self, which has been found dangerous to men and declared non-existent. Femininity tells me what I can like and not like. Femininity tells me what to eat and drink. Femininity tells me what work to do, and how to do it. Femininity tells me how to speak, how to look, how to stand, how to walk, even how to lie down and sleep. Femininity is a muzzle that restricts my food intake. Femininity is a set of handcuffs that restrains me from picking up a gun, or a hammer. Femininity is shackles for my feet, making sure I walk in bondage even when I seem to be free. Femininity is an abuser who crawls into every crack of my body and mind and stalks me mercilessly even in my dreams, even on my deathbed. I can never relax for a moment, because I must maintain my femininity, like a mask that has to be maintained over the hideous scar that, in the minds of the patriarchy, constitutes naked womanhood.

If I ever stop being feminine for a moment, I will be revealed as nothing but a woman, and that would be so horrible to the patriarchy that they would no longer be able to tolerate me. Femininity makes the world safe for men. It turns a free-striding goddess into a simpering slave. Through femininity, we are forced to bow to the protection racket of the patriarchy. We agree to our own diminishment, hoping that if we don’t defy them, they will pity us and let us live. We agree to divert them and be pleasing to them, hoping to buy some time. We know that time will eventually run out–old women are despised, no matter how many years they’ve spent being feminine–but we don’t know when, so we live in this uneasy pretense of security.

I say “we,” but I shouldn’t, because I both reject femininity and am excluded from it. Femininity is that which declares me, as a woman, NOT to be a woman. Femininity makes it impossible for me, as a woman, to buy “women’s” clothing or “women’s” shoes. Because, as defined by femininity, no woman could be the shape or size I am. Femininity is that which declares my woman’s arms to be “man arms” and my woman’s walk to be “walking like a man.”

Conundrum: Q: What is the only force in the world that can un-woman a woman?

A: Femininity.

If femininity pertained to being a woman, or was relevant to being a woman, then how could it be that a man could conform to its standards better than a woman?

My conclusion: Femininity is the anti-womanhood.

Anuna, Pennsylvania."

I feel, that as Women, we are expected to be Feminine. As Anuna and others have said, Femininity does not mean Woman and neither is Femininity the truth about Women. I think femininity is a mask that Women put are expected to put on, to make us less threatening to the Patriarchy, to men and the rest of the world.

So, if I were to admit that I get a thrill out of fight scenes (such as in Kill Bill) or that my one true ambition would be to fly a space ship like in StarWars, pushing warp speed, people would say I have ambitions "like a man". Why is that? Because instead of appreciating everyone as individuals with their own kind of ambitions and needs and desires, we are ascribed certain things that strip us to our Gender Roles.

It's not (just) about having the 'same equality as a man' but its about being commended and recognised as complex individuals who have more to us than our sex or gender. Yes - equality would be good because there is a looong way to go there (pay gap, etc etc) but also, women should be respected and seen as, above all, HUMAN, just like men are seen as HUMAN.

I am expected to like, say, high heels and shopping and gossiping and women's magazines. Yes, I own some high heels, but I rarely wear them (excruicating pain anyone?)..and I admit that if they didn't exist I couldn't care less.

I understand if anyone feels they enjoy certain things as mentioned above, but I wish, really wish, that Women were not slapped with labels and shackled and dismissed with such sayings as 'oh, she's just like that because she's a woman' or 'women, eh?' or 'women are so moody' or whatever.

Because, lets face it, when a man's moody, people don't say 'it must be his time of the month'. They take men seriously. Why aren't Women's feelings and emotions and ambitions and happiness taken seriously?

What happens when Women don't dress, act and look like they are 'feminine'? They are either shunned, ridiculed or called some derogatory term. Assumptions are made about their sexuality, assumptions are made about their state of mind. Women can't win when their every action is scrutinized, or feels like they are scrutinized, by other people, by expectations.

What would be absolutely fantastic would be for Women to OWN their own sexuality, to OWN their own bodies. To be FREE to be the complex, multi layered people that they are. Not be be stripped down to 'sexy or not sexy', 'feminine or not feminine', 'clever or beautiful', 'blonde or brunette', 'virgin or whore', 'submissive or dominant', 'strong or weak'. I think femininity is a mask, lies that patriarchy wants us to believe about women.

Masculinity and Femininity are seen as polar opposites, and if they weren't ascribed by sex (ie. Men=Masculine, Women=Feminine) then maybe there wouldn't be much of a problem. But when they've been polarised by sex (ie. male/female) and gender (ascribed traits given to male/females at birth), then there is a problem - no room to move, no room to change, to grow, to learn.

Personally, I feel I'm a multi-layered individual. I hate it when people assume things about me based on my sex. I like clothes, and colourful makeup and jewellery, and I make no apologies for that. But I do it for me, to revel in my favourite colours, to express myself, to create moods. What I DON'T do it for is to say something about my sexuality. Which is, after all, what society expects.

Another fantastic post which Witchy has mentioned is worth a read because it also explains the difference between Womanliness and Femininity: Hedonistic Pleasureseeker.

Have a good weekend - I'm off to Edinburgh tomorrow to see my Manfriend and I'm going to Chickenshed's captioned Vanity Fair tonight!

Beautiful Pics of Beautiful Cats

2007-03-20T20:27:00.000Z

Things have been a little hectic recently and I haven't really felt much like blogging, but I promise I'll be back soon when I've sorted out what I want to say in this cluttered head of mine!

I started a new volunteer job two weeks ago in a fundraising department at a school for autistic children, I'm enjoying it so far. Obviously don't have any contact with the children but I had a tour around the school and it seems fantastic - they have 'quiet rooms' where kids go when they need to calm down, they have one to one support all the time, and it's a generally very supportive and creative environment.

My sis's friend managed to get reading tickets for a bunch of them to go off for the entire weekend (it sounds great - the line up is sooo good! The Gossip, Razorlight, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Kooks, The Killers, etc etc) so am a bit jealous! But I'm thinking of dragging someone along to Glastonbury (just for a day), we'll see.

But am starting to wonder if, when I was a teen, I missed out on all that festival fever! Now I'm getting older, I feel that I really want to catch up on things that I missed out on. Okay, I'm only 22 but soon enough I'll be working, with only weekends and holidays for doing stuff I want to do!

Considering I'm the quieter, more bookish type (my sis at the moment is a crazy wild indie kid!), I think when I was a teen I sort of felt reluctant to get out there and enjoy myself. Which is why I want to make the most of things now, while I've still got time to do it =)

Anyway, I'll be back with more soon..I know I've missed posting for things like International Women's Day (I hope it was good for people) and Blogging Against Sexism day, but I'll definitely post regarding my thoughts in the very near future!

I hope you like little supercat (thats Quentin at the top) and sleepy foxy lady (Flossie at the bottom) =D Haven't got round to getting Georgina's photos off my phone yet!

Good News...

2007-02-21T14:41:00.000Z

So, there's been some good news of late - I got accepted to do an MA in Women's Studies at York Uni, so I'll hopefully be off to study in October, funding permitting (MA funding is a really awkward issue, as there's lots of competition). So I'm really happy about that!

And also, I was reading the F-Word blog on Monday (link on the feminist links) - and this is what's happened to the sales figures of lad's mags:

"Sales of lads’ mags fell a whopping 14.4% in 2006, according to reports in the Media Guardian (registration required).

FHM’s circulation fell nearly 26%, and Arena 30%, but I take most pleasure from the falling sales of the vile Zoo magazine, down 21.5% to just over 200,000 copies. The equally unpleasant Nuts magazine also saw its circulation decline 3.8%.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that the magazine buying public have been put off by the actual contents of the magazine. Instead, the business has been going online:

"A clue to the reason for the collapse in the market could be the rise in digital publishing. In the ABC Electronic figures, the digital men’s magazine Monkey, the first of its kind, recorded a debut audit of 209,612 for January. The results for Monkey, launched in November by Dennis, are not directly comparable to the measurement for print editions, but Dennis said the ABC result was twice its original target of 100,000 and meant the magazine had a rapidly growing audience of 18- to 30-year-old males. " "

*From The F-Word Blog 19th February by Jess McCabe*

So, although it looks like good news from the outset (yay hopefully the evil mags will be phased out over time?) - we will be still have men reading them online, yuk. Incidentally, I was in Edinburgh this weekend and checked out WHSmith at the station - the Lad's Mags shelves are in full view of anyone who happens to glance their way, and are definitely not 1.2 metres above the ground. I think it's just lip-service to 'appease' the scary feminists ;-)

Had a great weekend with my partner - went to see Happy Feet with subtitles and had a chinese meal to celeb Chinese New Year (cliched I know). Also bought Volver, Little Miss Sunshine and Blade Runner. Volver was fantastic, definitely deals with some feminist issues (abuse and women's relationships with each other) and so did Little Miss Sunshine with a highly dysfunctional family on a road trip to the Little Miss Sunshine contest that the daughter wants to take part in. Thought the grandfather was rather a dirty old man though.

I'm a bit annoyed at this film I've been wanting to see for ages - Brick - but it hasn't got subtitles. In fact, it's just been re-issued again without subtitles!! I had a similiar situation a few years ago when Donnie Darko came out on DVD without subtitles and has only recently come out with subtitles. I think it has to do with the companies that release films - and particularly this tends to happen with indie films or non-blockbuster films (which is the genre I find more interesting!).

One of the reasons I like non-english speaking films is that there are always english subtitles (but also World Cinema tends to be more refreshing and original!). So I'm frustrated because Brick got some great reviews, and I just want to see it as it looks interesting. Maybe someone can let me know that's its actually really bad and to not bother seeing it? :-D

My Complaint re. 'Lad's Mags' in WHSmiths

2007-02-16T01:12:00.000Z

I complained the other day to WHSmith's about Lad's Mags because they refuse to acknowledge the motion Claire Curtis Thomas (MP) and Object put forward about the displaying of the magazine's on the top shelf, away from children and also with their fronts covered so as to just show the title.

They are the least responsible retailer ever when it comes to this issue - sometimes, pretty much most weeks, they have lads mags right at the front of the shop as they are 'magazine of the week' or some other such flimsy excuse for putting them right at the front of the shop. I find it demoralising to walk into any of their shops and be confronted with racks and racks of objectifying covers and degrading blurbs and captions. Charliegrrl has loads of information about contact details and her own activism (very inspiring stuff, puts fire in the belly!).

So I decided to complain to WHSmith's with this email:

To Whom it may concern,

I am concerned at WHSmiths inability to understand that ‘Lads Magazines’ and so called ‘men’s lifestyle’ magazines are degrading and objectifying to women. You refuse to implement the changes that explain (Object and Claire Curtis Thomas) that magazines with pornographic content should be, at the very least, on the top shelf. Magazines such as Zoo, Loaded, FHM and Nuts should be on the top shelf. Apart from being degrading and objectifying for women such as myself, my younger sister and my friends (which could be your sister, daughter, mother or female friends), young men and male children will believe that the view of women in these magazines is acceptable.

I have been in many of your shops around the country as I regularly travel through London and through to Edinburgh and York. All of your shops display these magazines within easy reach of young children, and within full view of any woman, young or old that happens to be passing your shops and shelves. I find it despicable that your shops do not listen to the complaints that I and many other women have been making over the past year or so. Women are half of the population – listen to them. It’s understandable that you don’t want to push down your sale figures but at the same time, its not likely to push down your sales figures by moving magazines to the top shelf – people can still access them. Be a responsible retailer for once.

Yours sincerely,

Elizabeth

And I got this reply:

Dear Elizabeth

Thank you for your email, sharing with us your concerns about the way in which we display certain magazines in our stores.

Whilst I appreciate your views, I can confirm that the particular magazines you refer to are part of our Men's Lifestyle range. We reviewed our policy of displaying this range last year, ensuring that all these titles are positioned above 1.2 metres and are not displayed near products aimed at children.

We do follow strict guidelines about the displaying of these titles and work closely with our publishers. As a retailer, we aim to strike the right balance in meeting the needs of all of our customers, which sometimes inevitably means a compromise.

I'm sorry for the continued frustration my response will undoubtedly cause you, however, we do not currently have any plans to change the way we display these titles. Please be assured that we will continue to monitor any similar feedback we receive about this particular matter and if I can help you further, please feel welcome to contact me.

Kind regards

Sam* last name concealed.

Customer Service Coordinator

I dunno...I'm definitely very frustrated. She didn't even acknowledge any of the comments I had made about objectification and degradation of women's bodies.

Okay, so yes, the children part of it is important, but it's also about women feeling respected and not feeling threatened by just walking into a shop. Every single WHSmith I've been to displays lad's mags in an irresponsible way. It's not the only company and newsagent's that displays lads mags like this though, but it's definitely one of the worst.

If you want to complain by email, here is the address (which I got from Charliegrrl's blog):

customer.relations@whsmith.co.uk

Let them know that this is not acceptable and makes women feel disempowered.

Flossie Lady

2007-02-15T15:32:00.000Z

Just because....

"Why are you all up in my face with that thing? Leave now."

Day To Blog For The Women Who Support Us

2007-02-07T13:49:00.000Z

Bea has suggested that today, 7th February be the day when we write about a woman or a few women who have supported us and played a part in the direction that our lives have taken.

I know this may be cliched, but I would have to blog about my Mum, first and foremost. She has supported me throughout times of happiness, sadness and disappointment. She has coped with my horrendous temper tantrums (which I am ashamed to say I still throw from time to time) and my big and little mistakes, and yet hasn't been judgemental about them.

My Mum has had an interesting life - she and my Dad were very cool people back then (and mostly still are...) and they have brought the gift of a love of music, the arts and travel into my life. I doubt that I would love music so much without my parent's constant discovery of new music and bringing out the old records (my Dad is presently into the Zutons and The Killers!). Mum has been to many concerts over her lifetime - she was there for a few Beatles concerts! I always find it interesting asking about her life.

Both my parents have supported me and my sister through our difficult times due to our deafness - mostly due to other people's ignorance and the frustration we have felt at people not understanding us. My Mum has always made me feel like being Deaf is not a hindrance or a 'disability' and I think I wouldn't be so positive about being deaf without her (and my Dad's) support.

She has never been negative or pessimistic about my sister and I (although it must have been very hard to realise your daughters are deaf when first finding out) being Deaf. I worry about parents that feel that deafness is a negative thing that means children will miss out on everything - people develop their own ways of coping and often pick up their attitude about deafness from parents - so if negative, this is likely to be a bad thing for a child. So I feel lucky that my Mum and Dad have been optimistic and positive about deafness.

And I feel that now, being 22, I can begin to give something more substantial back to her with my support. I feel stronger because I know that my Mum will be there for me when I need her, and that she knows that I and my sister are there when she needs us to be. I think it's important to give back to the people that support us. I just hope my Mum knows how much I appreciate her support and encouragement over the years!

The Long Goodbye...

2007-02-05T15:05:00.000Z

Alyx - just to say goodbye and to wish you all the best in whatever you do. It's been wonderful reading your blog :) You will be missed! I couldn't find your email address so I hope this will do. You've inspired me a lot over the past year with your fabby writing and your kick ass attitude. Enjoy what life has to offer and I hope you still keep that kick ass 'tude we all know and love.

With Love and best wishes,

Liz xxx

*ps. I'm ill with the Flu at the moment but I will commence writing again soon!

Blog For Choice Day

2007-01-23T00:11:00.000Z

I just (barely) missed Blog for Choice day - but I've been reading some fab posts about choice:

Laura over at I'm Not a Feminist But...
Pippa at One Salford Feminist
Anji at Shut up Sit Down
Michelle at Lonergrrrl
Newt In a Teacup
Devious Diva

Although I think I've only read a few among many, but I think the above posts are definitely worth mentioning and are thought provoking.

My 2 cents are that yes, I think all women should have the right to an abortion. I feel that although it may be a difficult decision to make for some women, especially considering the pressure they get from religion, partners and family to not have an abortion (and guilt from pro-life groups), I feel that women who choose abortions as a gut reaction are given very bad press.

They are said to be 'taking the easy way out' - but what, I ask, is wrong with that? The choice is available to us in the West, and if needed, we should take advantage of it.

As Laura said, women should have the freedom to pursue their dreams, get the job they want, travel, study and so on without the hindrance of a child at that period of their life, or when they already feel they have enough children, or when they just don't want children at all. I support women's control of their own bodies and fertility.

I myself have thought long and hard about such a "controversial" subject and I normally come to the conclusion that yes, I would want an abortion because I am not ready at all to have the responsibility of a child. Let alone the fact that I would miss out on a lot of experiences, don't even having a paying job at the moment (I volunteer) and am planning to do an MA this October. I think when I have a child I would rather not be living at home and have completed my studying, travelling and experienced living with my partner for a while. There's nothing wrong with having a child, but I feel that abortion should be thought of as a valid choice for women.

People don't like it when women say they support abortion. All the old gems come out like 'but its a new life!' and 'you're murdering a child!' and so on. Women fought long and hard to get those rights and we're not giving them up so easily. People think abortion is only okay if the woman has a need to do it. I think it's important that society's perception of abortion is challenged. I also think it's possible to be pro-life AND pro-abortion, just like being anti porn and sex positive. Because I have a genuine respect for life, but not if it means the woman who gives birth to a child really doesn't want it.

So heres to women's right to choose abortion: long may it still be a choice.

Women and Films

2007-01-21T16:10:00.000Z

Inspired by Alyx's post about films that perhaps touch on feminist subjects or show women in all their multi-dimensional splendour - this has made me think about a post I was planning on doing about how women are portrayed in films, particularly films of the action/adventure/thriller type that are mostly occupied by men.

Some of my favourite action/adventure/Sci-Fi films, such as Indiana Jones, StarWars, The Matrix and Lord of the Rings to name a few, put women in fairly stereotypical roles, although the few female characters they do have are interesting: Princess Leia, Senator Amidala, Trinity, Arwen and Eowyn - which are much stronger characters, than for example, in Indiana Jones (where all the the female characters serve as either sexual love interests or are rather wimpy).

Although the characters are interesting and not (extremely) one dimensional - they still serve as the love interest to a male character in the movie. Trinity, for example, although strong and quite kick-ass, still wears the regulation tight PVC outfit and is Neo's love interest. And both Senator Amidala and Princess Leia in StarWars are love interests at some time or another. Arwen is the love interest of Aragorn, despite being a somewhat strong woman.

It's my feeling that within most hollywood movies, women serve as the element of feeling/compassion - a way of showing us the more emotional side of a male character's personality. As well as being stereotypical, and not showing how strong and tough women can also be, it shows the bias of society in thinking that women are emotional and therefore not rational (as men supposedly are).

In many action movies, women serve as nothing but the sex object, as decoration showing the status of particular men. Some of the language used to describe women in movies is particularly derogatory and objectifying. It is shown in many movies that pornography, prostitution and strip clubs are 'manly' things to take part in - seeing women as sex objects to be consumed. Rape is depicted in such a way as to seem sexually titillating and not the horrifying abuse of human rights that it is.

One film I take issue with is Sin City. So many reviewers and men in particular have said it is an 'arty' kind of film, a breakthrough (!) - and although it looks good, it makes me feel uncomfortable because of the depiction of women. The band of prostitutes are oversexualised (thus re-inforcing women as the sex class) and also, despite supposedly being 'strong' women, need the 'help' of men on several occasions.

The one career woman (lawyer/parole officer?) is shown in a scene as naked and, despite being a lesbian, her body is on display to the male viewers, inviting comment (as the male in the scene with her naturally does - saying something along the lines of 'if you weren't a lesbian I would definitely sleep with you').

The women in the film give the impression of empowerment but they can only take action against others with the help of a man (Clive Owen), who has had a previous relationship with one of the prostitutes. This suggests that because he has possessed her body in the past, that it is okay for him to help them (as a rule, the prostitutes don't accept help from men, particularly cops).

I've had a peek before at Frank Miller's graphic novels in a bookshop, and I have to say that the content is extremely misogynistic and objectifying for women. It seems that a lot of people think that looking at female bodies in this way is appreciation of women (which is the arguement that many pornographers also use) - but it is not, because it encourages the view that women are the sex class, defined by their bodies.

Okay, it's just one film, but I hate to think if one film is this misogynistic, and is considered the 'film of the year' (when it was released) - then what will be the 'film of the decade'?

Another particular film - Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - the adaptation of the acclaimed game - is also contradictory in that although Lara is, ideally, a strong, inspiring woman, the film played upon her being a woman=sex by showing gratuitious near nudity (which wasn't needed).

Jolie commented in an interview that the editors of the film also enhanced her bust area to draw in the 'teenage boys': perhaps this was to detract from the fact that the film is kind of crap anyway and that Lara's character doesn't live up to the tough, tombraiding kick-ass legend.

There is also a bone to pick with the game itself (although the game being a landmark breakthrough as she is the only female action star among a male dominated genre) because of the inflation and deflation of her bust, and the distortion and manipulation of her figure (which unfortunately, gets mentioned in every article about the game itself as evidenced by my partner's playstation/gaming magazines).

Articles apertaining to male characters rarely get this scrutiny over the way they look rather than focus on the game (which is supposed to be the point!).

However, taking my cue from Alyx, some of my favourite films (some of them also feature in her list) that touch on feminist subjects and/or show well rounded female characters are:

1. Kill Bill vol.1&2
2. Thelma and Louise
3. Lady Vengeance
4. The Color Purple
5. Frida
6. Chocolat
7. Amelie
8. Children of a Lesser God (because Marlee Matlin is fabulous!)
9. Princess Mononoke
10. Howl's Moving Castle
11. Nausicaa: Valley of the Wind
12. Rabbit Proof Fence
13. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
14. Girl, Interrupted
15. Ever After: A Cinderella Story
16. V for Vendetta
17. Bend It Like Beckham
18. The Hours
19. Now and Then
20. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
21. Gone with the Wind (both the book and the film - Scarlett is one strong woman)
22. Spirited Away
23. The Miracle Worker (about Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan)
24. The Craft
25. Laputa: Castle in the Sky
26. 10 Things I Hate About You (Julia Stiles is great as the Shrew)
27. Alien (1st film most of all)

Alyx has put down much more films than I have and has asked if anyone can think of any more?

Is the BBC turning into Channel 4?**

2007-01-19T10:46:00.000Z

I’ve been keeping informed with emails from London Feminist Network Yahoo group about this programme ‘Consent’ which is being aired this week or next week at 10pm. **Amendment: this is in fact the wrong programme name. The programmed being aired on Channel 4 at 10pm Sunday 21st Jan is called 'Consent' and then the programme I am referring to is called 'The Verdict', which is going to be on BBC2. However, these two programmes seem remarkably similar. I'm wondering if they are linked in some way?***

The problem with this programme, apart from the fact that viewers will be drawn in by the ‘cliffhanger’ idea of whether a rape victim is telling the truth or not, is that there has been no indication from the BBC that they have consulted the proper channels – so they have not sought information from rape crisis organisations or police units for rape victims and survivors and so on. AND the jury will be celebrities!!! Add to this mix Jeffrey Archer – who has been in prison himself – and you have a recipe for misinformation and the assertion that women are innate liars, especially when it comes to rape.

The entire focus of the programme will be on whether or not a woman who has been raped is telling the truth. Especially since (apparently) the rapist (the accused) will be a “famous” man. This shouldn’t invalidate a woman’s claim that a man raped her. Neither should whether a woman was drunk, wearing a short skirt or low cut top, or what her sexual history is.

When a man is raped, I doubt they bring up his sexual history or what he was wearing or how much he had been drinking. The double standard is still very much in evidence in the justice system. Rape conviction statistics are at an all time low – precisely because juries and judges bring bias with them into the courtroom (juries inevitably read about ‘false claims’ of rape in the media – which is much more pervasive than reporting about rapes that HAVE been convicted).

It is extremely difficult for a woman to admit that she has been raped, let alone go to a police station and give evidence. I imagine it would be very disempowering – having to be examined and then having to be cross-examined when you are the one that has been raped. Then having to stand up in court and see your rapist get away with it because it’s his word against yours. And women who have been through all that then have to deal with the reaction of society – if the rapist is found ‘innocent’ when he is not – then the woman will no doubt be considered a liar.

And the misperception of rapists as ‘monsters; men who are maniacs or psychos’ is rarely the case. Many men who rape are just as normal as any man you see walking past you in the street – granted, they think it’s acceptable to see women as sex objects and think it is acceptable to view women as existing for their gratification and don’t respect them – but they are generally men that have families and friends and have normal lives. The media usually just reports the cases that are viewed as particularly striking for some reason or other (ie. When it’s a case of drunken consent or one person word against another etc).

And I refuse to believe that men can’t stop once they’ve started – when a woman says no, she means no, and a man CAN stop. I seriously don’t believe that men are driven by their sex drive, and it’s impossible to stop. Why is man’s sexuality higher and more important and more uncontrollable than a woman’s? The view that men can’t control themselves paints them as uncontrollable, primeval beasts which cannot be trusted at all – and is this a flattering picture? I don’t think so – I think this discriminates against good men.

I won’t be watching 'The Verdict' and I will be complaining to the BBC at:

Phone: 08700 100 222
Textphone/Minicom: 08700 100 212
Write: BBC Complaints, PO Box 1922, Glasgow G2 3WT

There doesn’t seem to be an email address on the BBC website but there is an online complaints form at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/make_complaint_step1.shtml

**This is a reference to the fact that Channel 4 has become extremely mediocre over the past two to three years (Big Brother etc).

***If you want to complain about the Channel 4 programme which is on Sunday 21st January at 10pm, the contact details are as follows:

Advertising Standards Authority
Mid City Place
71 High Holborn
London
WC1V 6QT

Telephone: 020 7492 2222
Textphone/Minicom: 020 7242 8159
Fax: 020 7242 3696

I'm not sure whether the Channel 4 programme is the same as the BBC2 one, but people are welcome to watch and critically evaluate the programme or complain.

Differences

2007-01-14T19:34:00.000Z

It's been a very confusing few days trying to figure out what has been happening within the feminist blogsphere.

What I have worked out is that: several people whose blogs I read frequently have been, or are, unhappy, and this makes me unhappy too. I've always tried to step back and let things take their course but sometimes I worry that people are going to get badly hurt by something somebody says on a comment thread or in a post. Because no matter who says what or who believes what, we are dealing with heightened feelings because blogs are very personal spaces - which should be respected.

Respect is important - whether or not we agree with somebody, we should sometimes all agree to disagree and just get on with fighting the things that matter. I've been guilty of getting worked up with trolls in comment threads before but I've kind of learnt to take it easy and realise that you can't bend people round to thinking your way if they are determined to stick to their views at any cost.

I'm not a separatist feminist, neither am I lesbian, but I respect women that are true to themselves. I've always been attracted to men, and my partner is male. I don't think this makes me any less of a feminist, because I care very much about women and their wellbeing. Sexuality is about being what most makes you happy - about attraction and complex layers of what attracts you to a person - whether male or female. I don't believe it's 'biological imperative', and I don't think it's about 'choice' either. I think it's something that draws you to a person, and its not necessarily something anyone can explain.

Everyone comes round to their views in their own particular journey, with nuances and complex twists that not everybody shares - so therefore not everyone will have the same view about the same thing. Agreeing on particular points, and yet not always agreeing with other things - this is what makes life so much more interesting and stimulating. So long as we agree that life needs to be improved for women.

Radical feminism is a way of seeing the world, it's examining the Patriarchy in all it's forms. Just like noticing when something isn't accessible for a deaf person; seeing the world through the eyes of someone who notices things about the world that could be, and needs to be better or different in order for the world to be a better place. Life is full of different experiences and its important to respect that, no matter how much we disagree with something.

Happy New Year

2007-01-05T16:13:00.000Z

So..it's 2007 - I hope everybody had a great time welcoming in the New Year whether they were partying the night away or staying in with their family watching TV (which is what I did - albeit in Edinburgh with my partner's family).

I've got a few gripes I'm going to whine about - particularly the rising train fares which is a thing close to my heart considering that my partner is in Edinburgh and we both have to fork out the extortionate prices. I don't understand the reasoning behind the fare hitch because we don't really see any of the so called 'improvements' that they've all been talking about.

Also, considering the fact that I've been travelling on GNER trains for almost 6 years and have seen and experienced first hand the prices raising steadily and the service, dare I say it, getting worse or just staying the same. Consider this - I am deaf and they still use loudspeaker announcements and no text announcements. You would have thought they could afford at least putting up a live text thing in each carriage as I've seen in some buses/bus stops and other trains (although these are few). GNER has a lot to answer for. We pay first class prices for a standard to mediocre service (on more than one occassion my reserved seat has been occupied by someone without a reservation who wouldn't budge and I've also had to stand for 5 hours in a packed train a few times, even with a seat reservation).

My partner and I travelled on an easyjet flight on Boxing day from Stansted to Edinburgh because there were no trains running - and the fare was much cheaper than a single on the train, even with taxes added (£20ish each - a train fare would likely be around £40 with a young person's railcard). It was a bit of a hassle getting there as its about a 30 minute drive from where I live - and then we had to check in and go through security and then wait around for about an hour, but I have to say it's much more exciting and has better service by far compared to trains, even on a budget airline.

I don't think it would be convenient to fly all the time though - Edinburgh's airport isn't close to my partner's house and Stansted isn't easy to get to without a car (my dad drove us on boxing day). Which is why I feel so angry and frustrated with the rising train fare prices.

My new year 'resolutions' are just generally to have a good year, much better than last year which was difficult for my family - my sister being unhappy, my dad being unhappy and my mum being unhappy. I just hope they all find some happiness in this coming year. My other main resolution is - yes its cliched - to lose weight and get fit.

Especially considering I have PCOS and a danger of diabetes. Its not to do with my appearance because I am happy with myself and the way I look (most of the time!). I do feel quite unhealthy because I don't exercise regularly enough and love my chocolate! My doctor thinks exercise is the key as I've got a very slow metabolism - and despite eating healthily, exercise is the only thing that will help. So...I'll be getting active this year! :)

I think it was quite a good year for me personally as years go - graduating, going on holiday, finding feminism and going on the Reclaim the Night march. And finding more confidence in myself socially towards the end of the year.

But whatever this year brings, I hope everyone is well and happy.

Season's Greetings

2006-12-27T23:31:00.000Z

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas - mine was a chocolate fest :)

I'm just checking in to wish everybody a Happy New Year, and best wishes for 2007.

I'm in Edinburgh with my partner's family for Hogmanay - we flew back from London last night as my partner had work today. But I bought The Second Sex with some book tokens today! :)

I'll post something more coherent in the New Year :)

Best wishes everyone xxx

What I've Been Listening To

2006-12-19T00:13:00.001Z

1. Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

2. I Want You - Savage Garden

3. Break Me, Shake Me - Savage Garden

4. Here With Me - Dido

5. Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley

6. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

7. Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand

8. I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters

9. Come Away With Me - Norah Jones

10. Girlfriend - Michael Jackson

11. I Put A Spell On You - Nina Simone

12. How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) - Marvin Gaye

13. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye

14. Back and Forth - Aaliyah

15. Are You That Somebody - Aaliyah

16. Love Me Do - The Beatles

17. When Doves Cry - Prince

18. Dangerous - Michael Jackson

19. Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

20. To The Moon and Back - Savage Garden

- Top 20 played Tracks on my MP3 at the moment!

Midnight Poetry - Distortion

2006-12-19T00:13:00.000Z

I still see it
Everywhere I look
Everywhere I go
Posturing, Exposing
Bodies full of lies
On which is written
Patriarchy

Contortion
Women hating crimes
Distortion on the page
Not appreciation
It's objectification
Torture in disguise

Fantasies fuelled by hate
That nobody should sate
Violation, pain and rape
Don't want to see it
Don't want to know it

I don't want to hear it
It's not 'a bit of fun'
We have nowhere left to run
Nowhere left to hide
With this pain eating up inside

Just fuels more anger
More stoking to the fire
I'll fight and I won't back down
Though we feel we might drown

I'm not leaving
Til it's all away
From our eyes

I'm not moving
Til this objectification
Is where it belongs
Til you've righted your wrongs.

Poetry - Revolution

2006-12-15T13:47:00.001Z

Where is the call to arms
The shouts of enragement
The flaming torches
The axes?

Where is the passion
The incentive to change
The autonomous thinking
The empowerment?

How do we change this
This stripping of power
The silencing
These shouts of fear and anger
That go unnoticed?

Where is the justice
Where are the countless voices
Where are our human rights choices
Where is our revolution?

Poetry and the News

2006-12-15T13:47:00.000Z

It's been a busy two weeks - what with the rush up to Christmas and all the shopping and card writing and planning...blah. At least it's a nice feeling to see the xmas tree all lit up with lights and the thought that there's going to be a yummy dinner!(its the only time I can overindulge in cranberry sauce and gorgeous chocolate without feeling too naughty, hehe)

I've had a breakthrough with writing though, my first tentative steps towards writing something that matters to me again and actually makes sense. My poetry and lyric writing has been really sporadic over the past few years and when I actually have written anything, I haven't been confident enough to show anyone or post it on my blog. I bought a lovely new notebook from paperchase to celebrate (doesn't seem like much but its a funky notebook)!

Also, I'm enraged about the way that some media has been talking about the femicide in Ipswich. Prostitutes are women, they deserve exactly the same kind of respect that other women in murder investigations are given. Lots of other bloggers have posted on this and can articulate much more clearly than I can. But it just makes me more concerned about the state of our society - that most of the women prostituting in Ipswich have a drug habit and have children and prostituting themselves is the only way they can survive.

Sure, I'm a university educated, white, privileged woman but I'm hoping I'm awake enough to see that our patriarchal society is pushing women on the margins right to the bottom, and gives them no choice. I don't know enough about prostitution to say what needs to be done, but I can see that that is no way for a person to live, because all they seem to be doing is surviving. And we live in a society that thinks it's acceptable for men to 'buy' women - in prostitution, pornography and lads mags.

Women are human, they aren't toys to be used whenever someone has the urge or whim. Women's bodies have become commodities, even more so than ever. It scares me how this is allowing women to be pushed into things they think is 'just a harmless bit of fun' when in fact they wouldn't have to do this or think it an option if men and patriarchy didn't demand it. And I feel awful that women have been murdered in Ipswich because they are prostitutes - people don't think prostitutes matter. The person murdering them doesn't just hate prostitutes - they hate women.

So I'm watching the news with trepidation and hope they find the evil person who did this (I say person because I'm not sure whether they can say this is a male or female).

A Quick Post

2006-12-05T14:02:00.000Z

Just a quick post as I'm kind of busy today (namely applying for Uni at York for Women's Studies..)!

Please take a moment to sign this petition which I found out about from Anji: http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/rape-convictions/ that petitions the PM to support victims of rape and sexual violence by ensuring that more rapists are convicted.

And a few blogs of note that I need to add to my blogroll (more of a reminder for me):

Shut Up, Sit Down
Adhesively Unchallenged
Mad Sheila Musings
Real Men Are Not
RadFem Row
ReSISTERance

Could anyone let me know if I've missed out any other cool blogs cos I'm sure I've missed out loads! I read so many on a regular basis that I forget to add them to my blogroll!

Anyway, have a good week and Tuesday everyone, I had a great weekend (I am now one year older) and hope everyone else did too :-D

Things

2006-11-30T20:43:00.000Z

I've been a bit frazzled this week by the fact that I've been going to bed way too late every night (1am anyone??) and thus I've been really tired for my volunteer job at CancerBackup (incidentally, it's going well, tiring, but they need the help!) - but I've been enjoying it even though I had to have a nap as soon as I came home this afternoon (slept from 3pm-6pm erk).

Anyway, after much deliberation, I've decided to post a pic of me (and my lovely sister) and put up a few pics of reclaim the night. One reason for posting a pic of myself is that if I meet up with anyone at future protests and so on, I want to make sure they recognise me! And also, I've been blogging for a while and haven't had any nasty trolls (yet...) so I think I may be okay(ish). If not then I'll take the photo down, but for the meantime I'll keep it up.

Me and My Sis pretending to be Ninjas on the way to reclaim the night:

Me and My sis without our Ninja disguises:

My sis is the dark haired one (she's so good at pulling faces by the way!) and I'm on the left.

**Eww..blogger isn't letting me add photos of reclaim the night..I'll keep trying so watch this space. I've just got a photo of the end going into the venue and some dark blurry ones..I guess taking photos didn't feature very much (shouting did though!).**

On another note, its my 22nd birthday on Saturday woohoo. Feel a bit funny reaching 22 (the next 'milestone' will be 25) but I'm sure I'll get used to it. 21 has been an interesting age: I graduated, found feminism and grew up quite alot (although I'm still partial to a 'mad hour' when I laugh alot and run amok, general high spirit tomfoolery!) and decided certain things about my life (ie. that I want to study some more, hehe) and my relationships have gotten more richer with friends and my partner and family. And all I can say is that I've still got a lot to learn and the rest of my life to learn it. But I think I've reached one of those points where I'm happy with who I am.

Reclaim The Night 2006

2006-11-26T19:00:00.000Z

Wow, where to begin?

My sister took a few photos of the crowd but they are still on the digital camera and not downloaded yet but I'll get that sorted sometime this week.

Anyway, we all gathered in Trafalgar square under good old Nelson - my mum, sister and I all looked out for the East Midland's Feminist group as I had been contacting someone from ReSisters off list (a fabby gal from Derby who came with her Mum too!) and they finally arrived. Michelle was also there (LonerGrrl) and it was great to meet another blogger. There was a large police presence protecting our democratic right to protest (as my Mum put it).

We were all given a sheet with the chants on them which everybody yelled throughout the march (a particular favourite was 'Hey Ho, Sexual Violence has to go') - I had to keep checking what my Mum was chanting though to keep up!

Then we started the march from Trafalgar square to Malet Street - making lots of noise, chanting, yelling and blowing whistles (well, witchy was!!) - we had a few arseholes that tried to shout louder than us but we managed to shout louder (plus, we outnumbered them...) outside a pub on the corner near Leicester square. A few women joined us from off the street (which was fabulous!) and we got lots of thumbs up and a few people waving from shop windows and on the pavements. I loved seeing a little boy and his Dad waving from the top of Borders (or Waterstones) :-D

It was amazing to be marching with women from all walks of life, who felt the same injustice and anger that I've been feeling. And feeling that we were walking for the women that have been subject to violence, injustice, objectification and pain that couldn't be there. It was so empowering, and one of those experiences that you will pass to other people - to empower other women and men to reject violence against women. To speak up for those who cannot speak or who are afraid to speak.

We arrived in Malet street for the rally and party - and sat down to listen to women talking about their experiences and feminism. My mum translated the speeches for me, so I did get most of what was being said. And it was good to see some men there too - to know that there are men out there who understand what feminism is all about (we are not man haters).

For me, it was an empowering and affirming experience. The atmosphere was accepting and felt safe. Too often I've been in situations where I felt I was being judged - either for being deaf or for being a woman. Or both. Its hard to be in situations where when you explain to someone that you are deaf, they get that look in their eyes as though they've made a judgement about you (oh, she's deaf, that must mean she's stupid) and don't make the effort to make sure you know what they are saying. Or as a woman - feeling as though someone is judging your appearance (both men and women) or dismissing what you are saying (because apparently women have nothing relevant to say, yuk!).

It inspired me to undertake more feminist activism - stickering, attending protests, writing to people and generally supporting women's organisations. And I'm going back next year :D

Lets make our voices heard as women.

Some Feminist Critique

2006-11-16T16:02:00.000Z

I've been thinking lately about the pervasiveness of fashion and how we use clothes to express ourselves, and the idea that, being a feminist, we need to critique the fact that women are encouraged to keep track of fashion and new 'beauty' products and so on.

Anyone who knows me well in real life will be quick to notice that I love clothes and make-up and so called 'beauty' products. In the past three years I have only just developed a style that I feel comfortable with, that makes me feel both comfortable with what I'm wearing and at the same time, allows me to express myself. I love purple: I have lots of purple clothes, and I also have a lot of teal/sea green clothes. I also like black because it goes with anything!

I like baggy skate style trousers but at the same time I have a fondness for mid-length skirts (I think some short skirts look funky, my sis has lots of denim short skirts but don't feel particularly comfortable with the idea of wearing them myself). I like to create different moods with my clothes - if I feel like slobbing out I'll wear comfy clothes, if I feel like dressing up then I will. For me, it's not about 'looking good' for anyone, because I have always chosen my clothes on the basis of whether I actually LIKE them. I think I have a love affair with clothes and jewellery: one of my favourite shops is 'accessorize' and I love beads and earrings, especially purple and sea green jewellery.

I think part of feminism is about analysing your own habits and working out if you can reconcile them with your ideals. There are many things I realise are misogynistic about the fashion and beauty industry: when doing my Gender and Society module, I read Sheila Jeffrey's 'Beauty and Misogyny' which made me understand that the fashion and beauty industry has a particularly misogynistic heart. For a start, fashion designers rarely design with the shape of a 'real' woman in mind, they use models that allow them to use the least amount of fabric as it is more 'economical'.

The problem with the fashion industry is that although the trends are interpreted from the catwalk onto the high street, the ideal is that a certain body shape suits a certain type of fashion; and this in turn breeds insecurity among women that feel they don't have a certain type of body shape. I know that I've felt both envious and disheartened by some types of fashion, especially when I was a teenager. I'm not small and skinny, I'm large and curvy, and naturally, skinny jeans won't fit me, and neither will hip and thigh hugging pencil skirts (not that I want to wear either as they both look profoundly uncomfortable!).

Young women in particular, on their voyage of discovery, may want to experiment with fashion and clothes and express themselves - and when fashion makes them feel bad about their bodies, their self esteem and confidence will be shredded (as if the beauty industry and diet industry and music industry and so on weren't bad enough...). Because the problem is that all of the industries mentioned, along with the sex industry, film industry and other types of media, tell lies about women's sexuality and bodies.

That to be 'attractive' they must wear this, pose like this, use this product, and that they must do this to experience their sexuality. Most of the adverts on TV have me growling and shouting and getting pissed off: the 'because you're worth it', 'a totally organic experience', 'maybe she's born with it, maybe it's maybelline' type of adverts.

It pushes the whole idea that woman's sexuality is experienced through the way she looks, through having the male gaze focused on her. That in being looked at, a woman is worth something, she will admired and 'noticed'. Men and women both do not seem to realise that they are objectifying women's bodies, pushing women down to the status of 'object' and therefore nothing but. The evidence is everywhere: in 'lads magazines', pornography, advertising, films, television programmes, in the street.

Only the other day, I was walking down to the post office to collect a parcel, wearing my baggy black jeans, my coat and my scarf. And yet a man I had never seen, met or even noticed before thought it would be 'great' if he looked me up and down and chatted me up. I felt like an object. I felt afraid because although it was only 4pm and there were other people around, I felt harrassed and vulnerable. Luckily, I walked past giving him what was hopefully a venomous stare and he didn't follow.

Since when is it okay for a man to treat a woman like a piece of meat? Like something they can 'conquer' or 'own'? Or to come up to someone in the street and give them an objectifying stare up and down? It's an aggressive thing to do. Someone once explained to me why men's stares and harassment are so threatening: because women live in fear every day that something worse will happen: men harrassing women in the street makes women afraid and vulnerable. Why can't women go around minding their own business without the fear of being shouted at or stared at in the street?

The same person said that the difference between women looking at men and men looking at women is that women don't feel the need to shout at a guy in the street or go up and grope them or stare at them agressively. Women are more likely to be discreet and repect a man's space, glancing at them rather than 'staring' at them. The difference is respect - many men see women's bodies as something for them to look at and obtain, to conquer and objectify. By shouting at a women in the street, you are degrading her to object status.

The object of fashion and beauty, in many ways, is the assumption that a woman's body is meant to be 'adorned' and 'shown off' - which is just another way to say 'object'. I think that as feminists, it is important to find a way for women to reclaim their bodies and sexuality from the media and raunch culture. Empowerment is not spinning around a pole, it is not posing nude for FHM and it is not 'acting like one of the guys' (ie. being a female chauvinist pig like Ariel Levy discusses in 'Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture').

Empowerment may mean different things for different people, but for me it means to be able to walk down the road without being eyed as a piece of meat, it means being treated with respect and it means that I am appreciated as a person that has something to offer the world that does not include anything to do with my body. It also means that I will be able to own my own body, that my sexuality will be my own and not defined by the way I look or what I wear.

It means being unafraid of what other people will think of me if I have messy hair one day and haven't bothered putting any make-up on (I normally have messy hair anyway!). That I will not be seen as just my sex in the eyes of the world, that I will be me, with all my good points and bad points and ideas.

Another Fabby Test...

2006-11-13T02:52:00.000Z

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Men Stop Raping

2006-11-10T17:21:00.000Z

I, too, am tired of the constant implication that women are in some way to blame for rape. They are not. And I hate our society, the media, misperceptions and women hatred for somehow implying that women have to stop rape themselves, when it is men that do it (yes, men get raped, and this applies to all types of rape, men on men, men on women, women on men).

I am sick of hearing in the media that because a woman was taking a stroll out late, because she was out having an evening out with her friends and just happened to get drunk, that because she is wearing a short skirt, it was somehow her fault. It is the person who raped that needs to be held accountable. I am sick and tired of hearing the typical 'false allegation' claim that some people put forward in court because of lack of evidence when it is painful enough for a woman to even admit that she has been raped, for fear of being branded with 'damaged goods', 'liar'; and having to go through the pain of people saying 'well, if she did this or that' then 'it wouldn't have happened'.

What do you suggest? That women curtail their freedom and stop living their lives altogether? That they must not even *think* of doing a particular thing just because someone will turn around and say it was her fault for getting raped because she even *dared* to go out with a short skirt or low cut top (which is actually most women as not many other 'styles' of top are available). The following list has been posted on several feminist blogs.

From The F-word blog:

If a woman is drunk, don’t rape her.

If a woman is walking alone at night, don’t rape her.

If a woman is drugged and unconscious, don’t rape her.

If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don’t rape her.

If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don’t rape her.

If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you’re still hung up on, don’t rape her.

If a woman is asleep in her bed, don’t rape her.

If a woman is asleep in your bed, don’t rape her.

If a woman is doing her laundry, don’t rape her.

If a woman is in a coma, don’t rape her.

If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don’t rape her.

If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don’t rape her.

If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don’t rape her.

If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don’t rape her.

If your step-daughter is watching TV, don’t rape her.

If you break into a house and find a woman there, don’t rape her.

If your friend thinks it’s okay to rape someone, tell him it’s not, and that he’s not your friend.

If your “friend” tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.

If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there’s an unconscious woman upstairs and it’s your turn, don’t rape her, call the police and tell the guy he’s a rapist.

Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it’s not okay to rape someone.

Don’t tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.

Don’t imply that she could have avoided it if she’d only done/not done x.

Don’t imply that it’s in any way her fault.

Don’t let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he “got some” with the drunk girl.

Don’t perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.

If you agree, re-post it. It’s that important.

-Author unknown.-

Which Inspiring Woman Are You?

2006-11-10T00:11:00.000Z

Congratulations!

You are Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir (1908 – 1986) was a French writer and philosopher who scandalised 1950s Western society with her profound analysis of women’s oppression, “The Second Sex”. The book became a cornerstone of the feminist movement in the 1970s, and remains controversial today. In it De Beauvoir argues that women have historically been considered as deviant from a masculine norm – they are always defined in relation to men as “the Other”, and this has limited what women can achieve. As an existentialist, De Beauvoir believed that women are as capable as men of free choice, and that they must use this freedom to transcend the role of the Other that they are cast in.

Simone de Beauvoir studied philosophy and mathematics in Paris, where she met Jean-Paul Sartre, who became her lifelong companion. They had an unconventional, sexually open but devoted relationship until he died in 1980. De Beauvoir became more politically active in later life, particularly around women’s rights, and died in 1986. Her funeral was attended by thousands, and the newspaper headlines read: “Women, you owe her everything!”

Take the Test at Inspiring Women - have fun!

A Technological Breakthrough..Of The Stupid Kind :)

2006-11-07T16:16:00.000Z

Well, the ridiculous idiot I am, I just realised I can add pics to my posts. So without much further ado, here are my beautiful kitties:

Quentin:

Georgina:

Flossie:

Flossie is the baby of the family, and generally acts like a kitten - she's very energetic and likes fighting the carpet and random objects strewn on the floor (she's partial to paper bags in particular). Georgie is Flossie's mother and likes her home comforts: this includes food, warm comfy cushions, laundry or shoes (yes, she likes sitting on shoes!). She rarely goes outside, she generally likes staying in. Funnily enough, despite being partial to a hug and lots of attention, she refuses to sit on somebody for long and will just walk off to find a cushion instead.

Quentin is Georgina's brother - hes a lovely old boy. He's very timid although he likes to sit on familiar humans and keep them clean by licking them every now and again. He likes the great outdoors and often brings presents to us through the catflap (of the bird and mouse variety), and sits there with his head held high with a smirk on his face. But underneath all that bravado, there really is a sweetie - he likes to talk to us alot and insists on sitting on us at the first opportunity :)

Cats and Fireworks...Not a good Combination!

2006-11-06T02:16:00.000Z

So..I haven't been up to much lately. I've been offered a volunteer experience with Cancer Backup as they get a lot of mail in the run up to Xmas, so I'm going in next week to have a look around and meet people. It should start next week, so I think it's something to do and something to add to my CV.

Our three cats (Quentin, Flossie and Georgina) have been totally freaked out about the fireworks this weekend so have been allowed to fur up the living room furniture so we can keep them company. Flossie likes to hide under the video and dvd cupboard and Georgina likes to sit on me covering my previously immaculate black trousers with white fur. I'm not sure what Quentin does but he tends to sit on my mum when she falls asleep and demand her attention (he's extremely vocal).

My mum, my sis and I went to Alexandra Palace to see the firework display on Saturday, the fireworks were great this year. We shared a few chips and gazed up with our mouths open (strangely enough, we didn't catch any flies). It was so loud though, I managed to turn my hearing aids off in time but we were almost right underneath them, lol.

I've been commenting over at Amananta's as she needs some hope and strength at the moment. So please go over and give her some strength and solidarity. It's hard to constantly blog about feminism and things that matter to you because its not only draining, but people can be extremely cruel and bitchy, especially on the internet when they think nobody's going to call them out on it. Well, I hope they're proud of themselves. Feminists should work together, no matter what they believe in: we all want women to be empowered and liberated from patriarchy.

I'm blogging really late, so it's off to bed for me.

A Feminist Manifesto...

2006-10-27T01:38:00.000+01:00

I've been reading over my posts up til the last one and realised that my intentions as a woman and a feminist are not entirely clear. I know that I've been on a journey to discovering how I feel about our world and how it treats women. In my earlier posts on feminism I perhaps didn't appear radical or progressive, but more moderate.

I do not agree in any way with pornography. The exploitation and degradation of women and their bodies, whether a woman has 'consented' or not (this is the argument everyone likes to use to pull the wool over our eyes), is in no way acceptable. I have always had an uneasy relationship with pornography: when I was a teenager, I felt as though I didn't want to live in this world if that was what sexuality is supposed to be like. I have always felt uncomfortable around trash so called newspapers like the Sun, and so called 'lads' magazines. Do men realise how vulnerable it makes women, especially young women feel? That it warps young women's sexuality, makes them feel as though they have to do what the magazines say if they want to make men happy.

I wish women's sexuality didn't have to be displayed for all to see. Why can't we own our own sexuality? We've gone from corsets to low cut tops and thongs toted as 'liberation' when really its another form of control in a different guise. I love clothes: I like being able to express myself through them, and I consider that to be fine: but I also dislike feeling as though I have to wear something restrictive or too tight - because, lets face it - women's clothes are generally well fitted. But that's another debate for another time.

Everyone knows about the equal pay gap, and although it's an important thing to solve, perhaps its time people began to realise that the personal is political. That women are still oppressed: through rape, violence, prostitution, pornography, religion, within the media, in everyday life. People have been socialized into believing that men act a certain way and women act a certain way. Okay, we have different biology - but I think that is where the difference ends. I don't actually believe that women are more emotional than men - men have just been taught to hide it. Generalizations are dangerous. They cause oppression and determinism.

We don't live in a 'post-feminist age'. We live in a world that needs feminism as much as ever. There are too few depictions of strong women in the spotlight, of women who have done something worthy, women that can give other women the ambition and will to make the world listen to them. Instead of Kate Moss, why can't we have Sheila Jeffreys and Marge Piercy? Or Catherine MacKinnon, or any number of other wonderful women that are out there living their lives, writing their blogs and leading the feminist revolution.

Don't be sad - lets get angry and make that anger work for us, so we can change the world in whatever way we can.

My 30th Post and Counting...=D

2006-09-29T23:35:00.000+01:00

I had a great holiday in Nice with my partner - the sun was hot, the sky was blue and the food and wine was lovely. It was great to get away from the UK, although I couldn't say that France is perfect, it has its problems too. When you go on holiday somewhere, you don't necessarily get the true character of a place, although I still love the whole sitting outside in cafes people watching thing :)

I've been back for two weeks now, kind of still collecting my thoughts and figuring out what I'm doing. I'm definitely hoping to do an MA, I'll be looking at York Uni again and emailing people next week. If I don't do Women's Studies I'll do Sociology as you can do research on almost anything that you are interested in.

I've been reading a lot of books written by women recently - in particular, Alice Walker and Marge Piercy. I had already read The Color Purple and Woman on the Edge of Time, so I wanted to read other things they had written. I've read 'Now is the Time to Open Your Heart' (Alice Walker) and I'm now reading 'Sex Wars' by Marge Piercy. I've also got a book by Ursula K. Le Guin lined up to read next. Although I've got a lot of reading to do about feminism - in particular I want to read Andrea Dworkin and more of Sheila Jeffreys - I am actually feeling like I'm learning alot from reading literature written by women.

The particular thing about reading books by women who actually write full, important and real female characters in their books is that you learn to appreciate the richness and individuality of women, and feel inspired about what they are capable of. Women that write engaging and rich women characters really inspire me. I think literature is a great way of exploring the potential of women and how society could be or should be. Especially in feminist utopian writing, science fiction and feminist literature ('Sex Wars' is fantastic, I recommend it!).

I'm also getting into music like Le Tigre and Sleater Kinney, who are fab. Although not entirely a feminist 'action' as such, I think I'm trying to support pro-women bands and music. I feel uncomfortable about alot of the images and lyrics used in rock music, although I love a lot of it. I wish we could have music that didn't degrade women in some way, by treating them as sex objects.

It's hard not to feel betrayed by certain women in the music industry as they put their images across as sex objects (or the media/record company does) and often don't write or sing about anything worthwhile (the repertoir usually involves love, losing men, etc etc). It would be great if women in music had control and power over their image and didn't take any crap. I admire women who don't allow their images to be subverted by the expectations of the media. Janis Joplin, for example, was a true star, the original shouty woman of rock.

Anyway, sorry this post was so short..I'm really tired and I've been ill with a bug for the past few days. My family seem to have it too although my Dad doesn't. I'm feeling better though!

Alive and Kicking!!

2006-08-24T19:47:00.000+01:00

I've been away for a while..just generally being kept rather busy! I went away to North Yorkshire with my sister, Gran and Mum last week - the weather was mostly wet and miserable but we managed to have quite a nice break. We spent a day in York (it was bizarre to be there when I don't actually live there anymore!) and we also went to Whitby and Robin Hoods Bay. Robin Hoods Bay was rather lovely - a proper bay and a nice beach even tho the sky was overcast and the tide was coming in when we were there. I really love going to beaches when it's overcast because it seems more refreshing and moody. North Yorkshire really is one of my favourite places - the moody atmospheric moors, the seaside (despite the tourist trappings!) and the general friendliness of most of the people. It was nice to get away from it all if only for a few days! We were in the middle of the rolling Yorkshire Wolds staying in a rented cottage. If I manage to figure out how to put pics up I will one day!

I also went to Edinburgh to see my partner at the weekend and stayed til yesterday. The festival was in full swing, kind of annoying since there were so many people crowding up the streets! But the atmosphere is usually quite cool during the festival - last year it was buzzing. I didn't really do anything as both of us are hard up saving our money for Nice (we go away on 2nd September for two weeks). I did however go to the Ron Mueck exhibition that everyone's been raving about. It was okay..the concepts were interesting - crossroads within life, things that are familiar to us, that we all share as human beings and so on. I suppose I'm a little bit of a snob when it comes to art, I know what I like (Frida Kahlo, Van Gogh, etc). It was interesting nevertheless!

My sister got her GCSE results today (Thursday 24th), and seems much happier, we are all very proud of her. She got a B for everything (English lit+lang, maths, RS, ICT) except two C's for Double Science and a C for Art. She's been quite low recently so hopefully she feels more confident now she knows what she's got. She's also going to the Reading Festival tomorrow for the day, it sounds like fun! :)

Anyway..I've been tagged by LonerGrrl:

1. One book that changed your life? Beauty and Misogyny By Sheila Jeffreys. I think this book introduced and validated my concerns about patriarchy and the problems with our society. I think I owe Sheila a big thanks for making me think deeply about the importance of feminism.
2. One book you have read more than once? Wow, loads! I'm a real bookworm/booklover and I've read a lot of books more than once. I suppose if I was going to pick one then I would pick either Woman on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy or Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.
3. One book you would want on a desert island? Hmm..something really big! Perhaps Les Miserables by Victor Hugo or Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell. Or I could re-read Lord of the Rings again...
4. One book that made you laugh? Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett. All Pratchett's Discworld books make me laugh..it's real comedy! Definitely read one of his books if you want something to make you laugh.
5. One book that made you cry? The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier. Such a sad book :-*(
6. One book you wish had been written? "The Truth about Patriarchy". Lol!
7. One book you wish had never been written? The Bible...not very original, am I! 8. One book you are currently reading? I'm between books at the moment! I'm likely to read one of the following next: Sex Wars (Marge Piercy) or The Green Dwarf (Early Charlotte Bronte).
9. One book you have been meaning to read? Anything by Andrea Dworkin, particularly Pornography. I need to catch up on my feminist reading! There are lots of books I've been meaning to read because reading is my life-buoy.
10. Now tag five people. Most people have been tagged but I'll just tag everyone who hasn't been tagged already. Also, I tag Rambo :-)

There's plenty for me to do at the moment, so I'll likely be busy for the next week with packing and so on, although I may blog before I go off to Nice. I'm still thinking of feminist matters but at the moment I feel as though I need to read more about it and figure out how I'm feeling and what I can do about it. I'm definitely thinking of going to Reclaim the Night this year and dragging my sis and mum along with me! I also need to think about what I'm going to do about doing an MA and working etc. I'll probably volunteer until my MA comes up next September but obviously I need to get some funding. I'm in two minds whether to do Sociology or Women's Studies!

Anyway..until next time!

It isn't like a rainbow, this feeling inside...

2006-07-28T14:40:00.000+01:00

Paris was good, but far too hot for me, I spent most of the time sweating and guzzling large bottles of water. It got up to 39 degrees at one point! I must explain that I don't really like the summer when it involves walking around and getting sweaty and being forced to move around when all I want to do is read a book and go to sleep! I kind of like autumn, winter and spring as the weather doesn't overheat my brain and give me crappy headaches that I have when I wake up in the morning, convinced that I must be in the farthest reaches of hell. Only kidding! ;)

However, sometimes I do think I'm in hell on earth. I'm not a religious person, understand. I feel that we should make the most of being alive here on earth, with our families and friends, in whatever way we can. But I sometimes feel heartsick that there is so much pain and suffering in the world. I read the blog of a woman in Iraq the other day.

It made me sad, and completely, utterly angry at all the cruel, so called "patriotic lets save the day" kind of stupid men like George-Bloody-Bush. And the US army. Just because they wear uniforms and have guns and are Americans doesn't mean they have ANY right to rape, torture and mutilate women, especially those women who are trusting them, the so called 'troops' to help their country, to restore order. I feel a profound, despairing sadness when I hear about women being raped in times of war. I feel powerless. I feel helpless. It makes me die inside. It makes me feel that I cannot do anything, when I want so much to stop these hate crimes against women, against human beings.

Why do people support war? Do they even care, that by giving people like George-Bloody-Misogynist-Bush the power to proclaim war somewhere, they are causing the rape, death and torture of millions? Don't people care about rape? Are all the myths perpetuated about rape brainwashing everybody into thinking that it's All Women's Fault? Don't people understand that our so called "raunch culture", the pornography industry, the media, prostitution and misogynist attitudes are causing unspeakable hateful attitudes towards women? I've felt that rage more that once. No, I haven't been raped, I haven't been beaten up. But I see it everywhere. I read blogs every day that make me feel that, although there are some amazing survivors and wonderfully angry women out there, I can't do anything, even if I can.

I HATE the attitudes I see on TV and in culture towards women. I hate them with a powerful passion. I hate the fact that people I know dismiss my feelings on the subject when I object loudly to something I see on TV, because it's "just a laugh" or something to that effect. And yet I am sometimes afraid that I will lose the love of these people. But then I tell myself that they should love me for who I am, what I care about and my passion for certain things. I feel as though I'm standing on a precipice, the edge of a cliff and perhaps I will fall or be pulled back. I don't want to be cautious. But I don't want to fall and perhaps not have anyone to break my fall. I've always been strong but I've always needed people to listen to me, to care about the things I care about. Maybe that is what being human is all about. For me, love and understanding matter to me more than anything.

I want my life to make a difference to people. To make a difference to women and deaf people. I want to make sure that people aren't feeling scared and alone and betrayed by our society, by the world. I've felt betrayed and alone and scared, I know what it feels like to feel like the world is messed up and cruel and does nobody any favours. Yes, there are good things in this world, I would be the first to admit that. But theres not enough good for me for redemption of all the pain in the world.

I apologise for the doomed atmosphere of this post, I guess I'm in a black mood at the moment. But I don't apologise for telling the truth of how I feel. I hope someone can relate to me somehow, or that my post makes someone feel they are not alone. I want to thank all the feminist bloggers who have written some amazing posts recently, it's really helped me.

Liz xxx

"Summer days, drifting away, Into oh, those summer nights!"

2006-07-15T16:05:00.000+01:00

It's been a while - lots has been happening recently! I got a 2.1 degree by the way, which I'm really happy about, I had my graduation ceremony on Thursday so I was up in York staying at a B+B with my family til Friday. I moved out of my house two weeks ago back home to Barnet (North London). I can't say that it's really sunk in yet, but I'm sure it will soon enough. I didn't really believe I had a 2.1 until I actually saw the certificate at the graduation ceremony!

Its been very busy, what with the unpacking etc, so I haven't really had time to sit down and post recently. This is going to be quite a short post because it's another hectic day - my parents, my sister and I are off to Paris for four days tomorrow morning so I'm packing yet again! It seems that I've been living out of a suitcase ever since I moved home...it's probably contributing to the feeling that I'm not really 'home' yet.

My sis doesn't get her GCSE results til August but we're going to Paris to celebrate anyway :) She is going on to do her A-Levels at Hendon School too (like I did) but she isn't quite sure what she wants to do yet - she wants to do four A-Levels but the Hearing Impaired Unit aren't sure if they will be able to cover all the subjects with notetaking etc. But I think she's going to give it a try at least (I did three A-Levels - Sociology, English Lit and ICT).

Then, in September for the first two weeks, I'm going away with my partner to Nice in the French Riviera which should be great. I'm excited about it, although a bit nervous as I've almost always relied on my Mum who knows quite a bit of French! So I'll be brushing up on my French I think! It's also the first big holiday that me and my partner have been on without anyone else (we went to Paris for 4 days a few years ago though).

I'm also going to think about doing a Masters Degree (MA) in either Women's Studies or Sociology. I would love to do Women's Studies but I'm not sure whether it would fit with the kind of job I want to do...but you never know! The more 'logical' thing to do would be to do a sociology research MA and carry on the research project I did about deafness in society etc. I'm in two minds about it really so I'm going to take a closer look at courses at York and then maybe London or elsewhere. I would love to go back to York though, I love it there.

Back to the present though...I'm starting to feel the stress with packing so I'll have to go and get down to it! I hope everyone who stops by has a good week and weekend :)

Liz xxx

Confessions of a Chilled out Mind

2006-06-20T22:05:00.000+01:00

Its been a while again, mostly because I've been collecting my thoughts and not doing much at all - just watching trash on TV, eating and occasionally deciding that I need to complete random tasks like taking books back to the University library and making lists for moving out and so on. My partner came to York for the weekend, which was great, a break from the mundane things!

I kind of like making lists, I always have. I used to make 'profile' lists when I was younger (wow, that makes me feel every inch the 21 year old I am!) of my likes and dislikes and so on. But I still adore making 'to-do' lists or 'best rock songs of all time' or 'inspiring people' or whatever - I've think I've made a couple in previous posts. In some ways, making lists is one of those creative and oddly satisfying things that don't really need to be done but people do it anyway =D

I haven't really written much poetry in the past three years, maybe University takes so much of your time that you can't really focus your creativity on other things much. Or maybe it's just that I haven't found myself in the right frame of mind to actually write much apart from essays and so on. A lot of the time, I have bursts of inspiration that makes me write poetry or lyrics (whatever they are). It's not really a constant thing, although I know some writers write all the time in order that they don't lose the ability to think creatively or whatever. I do sometimes hit a point when I feel as though I have writer's block, even though I think it's just creative 'boredom' when you don't know what to write about.

However, I have generated some great pieces of writing spread out over the three years at Uni. I'm my own worst critic though and I sometimes tend to dismiss things that are actually better than I give them credit for. Its up to the readers to figure out whether my writing means anything to them anyway.

I'm not going to say much about feminism in this post but there is one thing that has been getting to me recently. I've spoken to my Mum quite a lot about feminism, trying to explain how strongly I feel about things. She told some of her friends at Chicken Shed and mostly it was positive but she said that some of them said things like 'what does her boyfriend think?' and so on. I don't get why people are so bloody hostile about feminism and feminists. They all seem to have the perception that we are a bunch of *man haters* or that there is no point to it anymore. I mean, to me, feminism explains why I feel the way I do when I feel outraged about pornography, prostitution, the pay gap, sexism, rape, the double standard, violence and general misogyny.

**I understand however, when a woman has had a terrible experience, why she would hate or distrust men. I don't like men who try to justify things they do that degrade and hurt women, who think it's okay to go to strip clubs, watch pornography, act out their misogynist fantasies on an unwilling woman and so on**

It puts these awful things into context, so that we can examine them and dubunk them and expose them for the degradation of women that they are. I want women to be seen as PEOPLE, not sex objects for mens consumption, not as breasts, holes and legs or whatever it is that men fetishize. I believe that in order for women to be seen as people, society needs to change, it needs to stop justifying supposedly 'ordinary' things such as men wolf whistling a woman as she goes about her business, to stop judging women in terms of appearance and instead taking them at their individual, personal value as a PERSON.

I think the truth is that feminism makes both women and men feel uncomfortable because it questions things. People don't really like things that question their day to day lives, that uproot things and try to make the world a better place. It was the same in Africa, getting rid of apartheid, it was the same when the gay rights movement surfaced, it was the same when feminism became so prominent in the 70s. I wish people would listen, it makes me feel discouraged when someone says something like "but what does your boyfriend think?". My partners opinion matters a great deal to me and he mostly does support me when I voice my concerns.

And I believe I'm lucky to have such a man as my partner, and he is lucky to have me. I think too often, women find themselves in relationships in which their opinions are dismissed and they are rarely listened to. Listening is very important. I know, I can't hear, but I lipread therefore I listen. I tend to listen to people more than talk, and I think to listen is one of the most important things anybody can give somebody. Therefore, to the person, or people who say "but what about your partner?" - I care about his opinions and thoughts so therefore he cares about mine. We can all learn from each other if we listen and take on board what other people say, and we can either change or go through journeys together.

That turned out to be quite a long rant about feminism, but its always worthwhile! :-) I suppose when you go on a long train of thought thing its hard to stop it! My degree results come out on 27th June (next tuesday) so I'm pretty nervous. I'm just thinking, whatever I get, I've still got a degree :-)

A Long Summer

2006-06-12T12:34:00.000+01:00

I finally finished my project essay and gave it in on 5th June. I'm sad that my sociology degree is over and it's now up to the essay markers whether I get a 2.1 or a 2.2. Its been such an enlightening journey, one in which I think I've grown up and in which my opinions and views have grown and progressed. This year has been particularly good; my tiny anger and feeling that something is not right has grown into a powerful anger and certainty that there are many things wrong with this world. I think if I hadn't taken the Gender and Society module, perhaps I wouldn't have found myself blogging about the things close to my heart. I feel so strongly that if I hadn't made a certain decision, that, for example, I had done English Literature instead of Sociology, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I've been thinking about what I want to do with my future. Doing a Masters degree would be great if I got a good mark; I may even go back to York to do an MA in Women's Studies. It would take me down another road to what I perhaps thought I would do (something to do with Deafness and so on). But then I could maybe stay in London and do a research MA on deafness/sociology. I don't have much experience of working so I do need to go into a work environment and learn what it is like (and to get things on my CV!!). But most of all, I want to move in with my partner at some point. Obviously this takes money, but I'm determined to save and add to my savings for a house deposit. My ideal life would be to write about what I'm most passionate about: deaf rights, women's rights and literature.

I've also noticed a big debate happening in the feminist blogsphere. It involves the argument about what constitutes a radical feminist. I find it ridiculous that some so called 'radical' feminists are ostracising other feminists by proclaiming you need to give up things like beauty routines (make-up and so on), men, and so on. Isn't the spirit of feminism more important?

The ideal that we are working towards a world in which the pain of women is heard and they are given the right to CHOOSE what they want, to OWN their own bodies and to BELIEVE what they want to believe? I was under the impression that radical feminism was the uncovering of patriarchal values and lies about women and men. To challenge them, to stop the pain and hurt and violence inherent in our society. To allow women the choice to do what they want without being influenced by the dictates of patriarchy, to be themselves without feeling guilty or somehow wrong, just because they are a woman.

This should mean the freedom to wear makeup, the freedom to not wear makeup, the freedom to wear a skirt without being wolf-whistled or judged, the freedom to like clothes or not give a damn about them. Women don't have this freedom, and they are always judged every step of the way. If they don't care about clothes, they are judged incompetent or wrong, and if they do care about clothes, they are thought to be doing this for men!! I can't believe there are double standards like this.

That they are judged also by so called 'radical' feminists is a sad, awful thing. I hope it changes, I hope they rethink what they have been saying. It makes me angry, that when we are all meant to be fighting the patriarchy, people turn on each other. It's wrong, everyone has their views, whether we disagree or not is maybe not the point. We all want women to be happy, that is the point. Life isn't black and white.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for one post, theres a lot more to say but it's a lovely day and I'm in front of a computer! I'll post again soon.

My life at the moment...

2006-05-16T17:30:00.000+01:00

At the moment, I am in a stressful continuum of time to try and get my 10,000 word project essay done in three weeks. I've got the questionnaires back, have put all the data and demographics into a coding system and put it in microsoft excel. In the meantime, I am also trying to read as much as possible because a lack of time during the Easter break meant that I was doing my lesser 5000 word essays. Basically, my days are broken up into mealtimes, reading and watching TV. Last week I only went out once..what fun.

Anyway, I also bought the fifth and sixth series of Charmed - I love the idea of witches/magic and paranormal happenings. Which is probably why I bought the first series of The X-Files the other day from play.com! Well...it was on special offer *grins*. I've always had these memories of watching the X-Files and feeling rather spooked about it all! The theme tune is rather creepy too - I'm not sure what instruments are used but its the kind that make your armhairs stand on end :-D

My lovely partner is coming down from Scotland at the weekend so I'm looking forward to that :) I miss actually talking to someone other than my housemate! A couple of weeks without seeing family or friends can drive you mad (most of friends are at home you see).

I suppose I better go and do some more reading. The computer is far too distracting...so many blogs to read and comment on, so little time :-)

Thinking is good for your health...;)

2006-05-13T22:03:00.000+01:00

I've been away for a while - mostly just trawling feminist blogs and commenting and stuff. Particularly on 'I'm not a Feminist But..." where a couple of anti-feminist trolls have been stating their case for "what about white heterosexual middle class men??". Laura was posting about how particular men seem to hate women when they do bad things to them - go and read it to see what a good post it is. Also, this paragraph sums up how some men react to feminist blogs:

"This is what people seem to expect from women's blogs. All happiness and light, nothing threatening or frightening. Men in particular will be harshly critical of their female friends for not "bucking up" and pulling themselves out of a situation by sheer grit and determination. I see men criticize women for caring about what others think (ignoring the fact that women are taught from birth to adjust their behavior based on the reactions of those around them), I see men criticize women for being "so broken up" over rape, and blame them for blaming themselves (see, when it happens to us guys, we blame the person who did it, not ourselves! - ignoring that all of society blames a woman for being raped, but sees the rape of a man as the ultimate tragedy) I see men criticize women for not speaking up more (oblivious to their own hypocrisy of criticizing them for speaking up even in their own blog.) "Get over it!" is the message. "Stop bothering us with your unplesant feelings! We don't care that this world makes you miserable - in fact, we think all your misery is your own fault!"

Being the rebellious brat I have been my entire life, my response to this kind of unfair pressure is to sulk even more visibly. I realize this may not work for everyone, but I would like to encourage any woman reading this not to give in to the pressure to squelch your feleings in order to make someone else more comfortable. After all, when men have problems, women are supposed to be understanding and sympathetic. Why should we not expect the same treatment in return?" (From 'Screaming into the Void')

Why on earth do so many people slag off feminists and turn it around and say they are sexist for wanting to make things better for women without thinking about men too? If men want to make things better then they are welcome to do it but not at the expense of feminists and women because they are the other half of the world. Men do hate women when they think misogynistic thoughts and objectify women and make 'jokes' about their bodies (ie. breast remarks, etc) and hurt them.

I've been educating myself much more on feminism and figuring out the arguments and finding that I agree with them. It seems absurd once you think about all of the things once you are enlightened: why women have to change their names to show their 'availability' like Miss and Mrs and so on. Men don't have to do this at all - they stay Mr their whole lives. Why women have to change their surnames and men don't. Why women are socialised from birth to wear pink, to wear restricting clothes that don't allow them to run around freely and safely. If little boys had to wear skirts and shoes with slippery soles, there would be a public outcry! Why girls are told to be 'polite' and that they should apologise for things that boys don't - like having a loud laugh instead of a giggle.

I've also been thinking about male privilege. Now, I know we have made waves with women being in employment and so on. But think about it: most of the top jobs in the country are men. Understand: to all the people who think I'm saying it is men's fault and men's fault only: no, I am not 'blaming' men, I am saying that patriarchy is to blame. It is inherent in our socialisation, in our culture, in organisations, to the point at which there are many more women disadvantaged compared to men. I DO blame the men who hurt women, rape them and force them to do things that make them unhappy, who use pornography and think it's okay to treat a woman as you would in a porn film.

Women are PEOPLE, not sex objects. Neither are men sex objects. We all think of men as people so why doesn't society see women as people? Is it because they do the most wonderfully important job of giving birth to our future generations? I respect mothers, they have a rough deal: it's not enough to bring up a child, but they have to be a housewife, career person and sex object all at once. That is what some men think. That is the height of misogyny.

Male privilege means that in a lot of things, men are considered first, women second. I don't want women to be considered first but I want them to be considered as human beings too. Not as sex objects for men to look at, but as human beings that they engage with on intellectual and social levels. I'm not discounting that we all have sexual urges: but there are many myths about male and female sexuality. Women are more emotional because they haven't repressed themselves emotionally. Men are so called 'less' emotional because they are suppressing their feelings. This isn't healthy.

In sociology I learnt that men feel the pressure to 'measure up' to a macho stereotype: and if they don't, they are seen as 'feminine', 'weak', 'a girl'. WHY is being called a 'girl' an insult? For me, although I am emotional, I see it as being passionate about things. I'm passionate about life, about love, about the things I care about. Why is macho language geared up to seeing that anything unmacho is 'feminine' or 'weak'? The implication is that women are weak. On the contrary, I think allowing yourself to express your emotions makes you stronger. It releases tension, allows yourself to get through it and feel better. When I cry, I feel better afterwards, more relaxed and ready to face problems. When I feel sad, I allow myself to feel sad and write about it or listen to music. I don't think emotion is 'feminine'; I think it is human.

If we stop feeling things, we become numb. We hurt ourselves, allow ourselves to be hurt. We become tolerant of violence in the news, in films, real violence happening in front of us. We become numb to the possibility of life, of how we can be happy, fulfilled human beings. If we are numb; we have no compassion, we allow bad things to happen to other people, to animals and children. A lot of things in this society I think have numbed people, we cannot help but see visions of violence and tragedy on TV and in newspapers and just forget them, or feel a particular indifference. I am teaching myself to feel when I watch TV and films, which is why I am having reactions out of the usual and shouting at the screen. If we become indifferent to pain then life becomes meaningless.

Think about the pain women have to endure: waxing, childbirth, sexist comments, space invasion, rape, violence, blaming (women often get blamed for things that their partners do when married, believe it or not) and are discredited when they try to highlight these problems. Some people have said that men get raped too - and yes they do, but they get raped by other MEN. I don't exactly know what the answer is, but I think in the meantime people should stop doing things that objectify women (and men) and begin to think of women in terms of a brain, a heart and personality. Not breasts, butts and legs or whatever. Not a body, but a person.

Have a good weekend! :)

Blogging Against Disablism

2006-05-04T16:30:00.000+01:00

Monday was blogging against disablism day. Granted, I'm a bit late but I hope to explain to the world my view about 'disability' and the experiences I've had.

In the UK there are 1 in 7 people who we call 'disabled'. Likewise, there are 1 in 7 people in the UK who are deaf, partially deaf, deafened or hearing impaired. BSL (British sign-language users) take the label 'Deaf' with a big D - either to indicate that they use sign-language, and also to indicate that they are immersed in the deaf community or are proud of their deafness. Depending on how political you want to get, people who use the word 'deaf' with a little d usually consider themselves oral - perhaps they know a little sign language but for the most part they are oral and don't always associate themselves with the deaf community.

As for myself, I feel that these labels are unnecessary because they still create gaps between a group that should feel pride in their culture and language (BSL). However, if you were getting technical, my deafness is described as 'Profound' and I suppose I label myself as deaf with the little d. I know quite a lot of sign language and feel that I want to learn more, especially since I may be working closely with deaf people and organizations some day.

I recently went to the DeafDay at CityLit in Covent Garden. It was really interesting and reminded me of how noisy and animated deaf people are when they get together, especially when signing. I think it's a misperception that deaf people are quiet and isolated and don't know 'how' to talk. I loathe the 'deaf and dumb' stereotype that still permeates our culture. It's so important that people get past this whole 'disabled' thing and accept that there are people all over the world who are different and have interesting stories to tell. Our culture is saturated with the ethos that we need to be 'able-bodied' to fully take part in society. It's a medical and social barrier that we have to face - that people may be patronising or think we cannot 'do' something.

My own experiences of discrimination and 'disablism' are numerous. My boyfriend once told me that someone had said to him that 'it must be hard' to be with a deaf person. Well excuse me - it is these kind of comments that really piss me off about our society. Why should I be pitied? I'm an intelligent, strong person and if I wasn't deaf I don't think I would be the person I am today. It's this 'pity' thing that really gets me annoyed. It makes me feel as though I need to 'prove' myself to people - why should I? I've already passed my A Levels, nearly finished my degree and I'm a fairly happy person who wants to get out into society and change attitudes towards deafness, disability and women.

I miss things about people perhaps that other people can see since they can hear. But I observe people and their body language, the way they talk and act and I think I pick up alot that way about people. I prefer it when people look at me when I am talking just as I need to look at them to lipread. I may come across as quiet but there is alot going on in my brain - I do alot of thinking.

I like to watch the world go by when I'm sitting in a cafe. I think observing people's behaviour towards you shows you things that you can't pick up by talking. People often don't address me directly if they want to talk to me - they either ask my boyfriend, Mum or someone else there. I think this is disrespectful and assumes that I am dependent on everyone else. I'm not. I'm really like my independence when I am at University, and do everything for myself.

I wouldn't say that I'm an expert on everything to do with deafness and disability. But for me, people's ignorance and ideas about disability still affect my life and present me with a host of difficulties. I know that there are a lot of deaf people out there facing even worse problems than I do at the moment because of a lack of understanding and tolerance in our society.

I think for deaf people, since deafness is often hidden, this creates even more problems. I sometimes still lack the confidence to ask people things, for directions or asking for drinks at a cafe or bar - because I am afraid of being misunderstood - not because I can't talk but because my voice can be slightly quiet as in noisy places my hearing aids amplify all background noises and therefore I cannot hear my voice. I also think my voice gets tense when I'm nervous!

The point is - life is different for people with different degrees of hearing whether they lipread, sign or still have quite a lot of hearing left. I think everyone should be considered as individuals and not be labelled so as to 'categorise' them. Everyone has their different experiences, and instead of ignoring them, maybe we can learn more about our world and it's negatives and positives and change them.

The Feminist Blogsphere is growing...

2006-04-12T14:44:00.000+01:00

I've finally got my Gender and Society essay done (last week) and I'm now focusing on my next essay which happens to be about Feminist Utopias and Dystopias and how they have changed the utopian genre and other genres (namely Science Fiction and Fantasy). I'm concentrating on Woman on the Edge of Time (Marge Piercy), The Telling (Ursula K.LeGuin) and The Handmaids Tale (Margaret Atwood). It's really interesting but the reading I have to do about utopia and dystopia is kind of complex, blah. I lament the fact that academic writing thinks it has to be 'wordy' - you can actually make it quite simple and still get the same points across!

Anyway...I've also become quite caught up in the growing feminist blog tradition and I've also joined a yahoo group 'protestnow' which is really making me feel as though there are other women out there that feel the same about patriarchy and women's objectification as I do. When I was doing Gender and Society at Uni, Celia Kitzinger (a lecturer at York Uni), our lecturer, asked the important question of whether the label 'feminist' was important. I notice that some people say things like 'I'm not a feminist but...' and although it's great that they understand that women still get a rough deal, there is nothing wrong with the word feminist.

To say that you are a feminist is to affirm the efforts of those that came before us - people like Emmeline Pankhurst, Andrea Dworkin and many others. There has been such a huge backlash against feminism that I sometimes worry that identifying as a feminist is going to cause awkward situations in which people may try to argue against the obvious, that we do not need to fight any longer. I hate it that people make fun of feminism, "bra burners", "hairy" and so on. I lament that bras are so bloody uncomfortable sometimes but then I do feel that they give some much needed support especially if your breasts give you back problems.

And I don't know what the hell is wrong with being hairy: men grow beards and moustaches and don't shave their legs or genitals. Shaving your genitals causes loads of problems and it is a sign that you are a woman to have pubic hair. I do shave my underarms and leg hair but only when I decide to wear a skirt and only because I have my fathers genetic tendency to sweat a lot and shaving my underarms helps! But I don't think we need to justify our own bodily practices unless they become huge problems such as feeling that you cannot go out without makeup at all, that you spend less time enjoying yourself and more time applying makeup and so on.

The label Feminist is a positive one - it acknowledges that you are prepared to take action against patriarchy and make sure both women and men are seen as human beings and not as dominant or subordinate. It is the same with disability - everyone should be seen as human beings with the right to be happy and live in a society that does not objectify or cause needless pain. To identify as Feminist is to take control of your own future and to make sure future generations of women are not subordinate, are not objectified and are not raped, molested or victims of domestic violence. Men need to change their attitudes but we cannot do it for them: they must take the initiative themselves also. Would a father want their daughter to be a stripper or raped or objectified? Men need to questions things too.

I've also been thinking about my reactions to things I see on TV or in films. My boyfriend, his parents and I were watching 'A History of Violence' at the weekend while I was in Edinburgh. There was a scene that made me feel panicked, fearful and powerless as a woman: namely that of a husband almost strangling his wife and then ending with them having rough meaningless sex (obviously in the missionary position) on the stairs. I understand why I felt so disgusted: because it clouds the reality of violence against women and then sexualised it and made violence into something that women enjoy. I really hate this whole attitude that it's okay that women can be strangled and nearly killed and then shows a husband or partner 'taking their liberties'.

It is not sex, it is rape. I don't know if other people who watch the film will feel the same as I did, but I know recently that I've started to object much more vocally about the kind of so called sexualisation of violence in movies. It is no wonder that films have deeply ingrained patriarchal attitudes towards sex and violence because pornography appears to be the same ('gang bangs' and women being degraded and supposedly enjoying it etc). I don't understand how men can find the pain and degradation of women a 'turn on'. Men don't seem to understand that by using pornography, they are watching a woman being degraded and hurt (despite their supposed 'enjoyment').

If you don't agree with me, then look at these websites that will back up my opinions and dispel the myths of sexual violence and pornography:

http://www.genderberg.com/
http://www.oneangrygirl.net/antiporn.html
http://mindthegapcardiff.blogspot.com/2006/03/campaign-in-need-of-some-awareness.html
http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/

There are also some feminists that take a less radical view but I fail to see how they can justify the pain and violence inherent in pornography and sexual violence. I hope the above links help to dispel any myths about pornography, sexual violence and rape, but there are many other feminists out there and I'll add their blogs to my links collection :)

So long and have a nice day! :-D

In Celebration of my 20th Post....

2006-04-04T16:51:00.000+01:00

I'm going to do a couple of lists that will probably bore people half to death! :)

Things that bother me about Society (and make me angry):

Objectification
Treatment of environments (tree felling, exhausts, etc)
Misogyny
Discrimination (Race, Class, Gender, Disability, Age etc)
Shallowness/Self obsession (caring about other people goes a long way)
Corporations (The Body Shop has sold out and been sold to L'Oreal)
Cruelty (every kind of cruelty - humans, animals, environment etc)
Torture (ties in with cruelty but the army still tends to torture people at times, and it is rife in some countries)
Labels (although they help to identify people sometimes, I don't like that people get labelled negatively or are defined by their 'labels')
Glamourisation of negative things (Drugs, Porn, Violence etc)
The Media - the backbiting, celebrity obsessed and objectifying kind

Things I Like about Life:

Being able to question things and not take them for granted
The Arts (in particular Theatre and Music)
Films that make you think
Feminism (because it's a force for good)
Sunny afternoons at the end of the day
Laughter (hearing and doing)
Proper smiles (not the kind that look like smirks or are only half hearted)
Reading...everything and anything
Writing
Listening to people's stories or opinions

Things I believe in:

Love and Respect
Equality and Difference
That if enough people shout, their voices will be heard
That many things have been socially constructed
That life is something to celebrate (we are alive!!)
Evolution is probably fairly truthful but it cannot explain everything
Fulfilment cannot be found in acquisition of more things
Knowledge is the road to enlightenment (lol)

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways.."

2006-03-31T11:56:00.000+01:00

Hey all (whoever all is...)! Life has been relentlessly unfascinating the past few days, although it's good to be home in Barnet (that's in Hertfordshire by the way, in England). I'm still (meant to be) getting on with my essays, and things are so stressful that last night was the worst night I've had in ages, I believe I've turned into an insomniac. Its difficult though - I didn't stay most of the night worrying about myself, it's more worrying about my family. My sister is going through this stage being a teenager and being fairly self centred (although she's lovely most of the time) and is down about stuff that she won't tell me or my Mum about, which is a first for her really, and my Dad is still not working and doesn't get up til the afternoon everyday.

It's sad and kind of depressing cos he drinks every night and chain smokes and theres only so much Mum and I can do to encourage him to get going and do something for himself (and his family). We've been thinking of going to the doctor to ask for help but I feel very guilty if we did it without telling him and we both agree that we should give him a chance to come with us or ask for a home visit from a doctor. It's been going on for about 2 or 3 years now and I think he must be very depressed, he doesn't have any motivation really. It's obviously difficult for my Mum aswell, she doesn't really have a partner at the moment as my Dad is being relentlessly childlike and blames her for things that are his fault.

I know it's not like my Dad goes out to drink and comes back violent or anything like that but it's not nice seeing a person so depressed and incomprehensible when he's drunk or constantly blaming my Mum for things he should be able to do himself like get on with his driving stuff on the computer as he's meant to be training to become a driving instructor. It's a complex problem I think but I don't agree with him blaming Mum for things. I don't like being in the house during the day whilst my Dad is in bed and I'm doing my essay work as it makes me worry about him all the time. It's good to have some space to work etc but sometimes I could do without worrying about it.

Anyway! I think I just needed to get this out of my system, sorry if it all seems heavy. My parents are grown adults and they do need to figure things out for themselves, especially my Dad. I know there are people out there with much worse problems but I think everyone's problems are important, no matter how small.

"Wow, look at you now, Flowers in the window..." (Travis)

2006-03-23T22:00:00.000Z

Today was quite productive as some people put it - I got up early, had my Tescos food delivery, had lunch then went off to the library from 3pm-6.30pm! I was basically photocopying from all the books that I need to read for my assessment essays - I've got 3 essays to do in the next few weeks (cue lots of sleepless nights sorta worrying about it, lol). I've got a Dreamworlds: Society and the Utopian Imagination essay, a Gender and Society essay and Humans and Other Animals essay. I have started the Gender and Society essay - I've done around 3000 words so far so I've just got another 2000 to do, along with a bit of polishing and refining.

On top of that, I also have to get my project essay research questionnaire sorted out. I've decided to do a project based on the societal images and ideas of deaf people and what the actual reality is for deaf people within society. My experience of being a deaf person may help here because I know what it's like although I can't presume to know what it's like for other deaf people apart from the ones I know.

So basically I'm going to use the questionnaire to ask hearing people what their views on deafness are - their ideas of what a deaf person or deaf people are like and what they think their life chances are like in education, jobs and so on. I'll ask deaf people questions along the same vein but ask them what they feel life is like for them and other deaf people. Then I'll compare these two ideas of deafness if they are different, and talk about whether things have changed for deaf people in a historical, cultural and political context. Whew, sounds difficult? I'm sure I'll be okay..I've got lots of reading to do though!! I'm quite excited because its something I'm interested in and I want to see what the reality is like for other deaf people.

I've being doing some thinking about who has most influenced me in my life, whether that's directly or indirectly. I mean, I'm talking about intellectually/creatively mostly, but also influenced me by being there and caring enough to listen when I really need them to. I know I am a strong person and the things I've been through and am going through are easier because I refuse to let myself be pulled down by things, but I think there are people who have made me feel that I can get through things okay. Like my Mum, and sister who have constantly been there when things get really bad. And my Dad, just for being there, even if we don't talk much. And my boyfriend, who manages to make me see when I'm being silly and self pitying and makes me take myself less seriously when I need to.

Intellectually and creatively (or just for fun!):

Virginia Woolf (writer and an extraordinary thinker)
Carol Ann Duffy (for thinking out of the box when it comes to poetry)
Jane Austen (for creating the wittiest and most intelligent heroine in Lizzy Bennett)
The Brontes (Charlotte, Emily and Anne - Emily wrote Wuthering Heights and Charlotte wrote Jane Eyre, among others)
Dr Celia Kitzinger (my Gender and Society lecturer at York University)
Wilkie Collins (wrote The Woman in White, The Moonstone and No Name - some of the best classic thrillers ever)
Margaret Atwood (wrote The Handmaids Tale - a feminist critical dystopia)
William Shakespeare..goes without saying!!
Hayao Miyazaki (Anime director extraordinaire - he has restored my faith in cinema as being interesting, quirky and entertaining!!)
Audrey Hepburn - she became a UN ambassador when she was older and had nothing more to do with movies. She was a lovely person who encompassed dignity, grace and kindness (although I'm sure she had her bad points like the rest of us!). She brought something different to the movies she was in!
Frida Kahlo (Mexican artist). Her work may be dismissed offhand sometimes as being very self absorbed but it seems to me to go much deeper than that. Sometimes her art seems to me to be a portrayal of human suffering and pain, other times it becomes a kind of defiance in the face of authority and patriarchy. She had a moustache, joined eyebrows and was not afraid to be herself.
Michael Jackson. Well..I grew up with his music. Thriller was the first album that I took seriously and his music almost became the soundtrack to my life...as bizarre as that sounds! It's like some people love Elvis Presley's music or Frank Sinatra.
My friend Luce - everytime I see her and we have a catch up about life and things, she never fails to cheer me up and inspire me.
My boyfriend - for introducing me to things that I probably wouldn't have tried before or thought about before. For being someone I can talk to about meaningful things without feeling restricted or held back.

I'm sure theres a couple more where that came from but I think the above is as eloquent as I can get for the time being. I'm very tired and tomorrow is going to be a busy day seeing as my boyfriend is coming to York for the weekend and I've got a bit of packing to do as I'm going home on Sunday night to London for the easter hols. Hmm..I'm getting a little annoyed saying "my boyfriend" all the time instead of his real name! :-D

Little Ramblings..and stuff

2006-03-21T22:15:00.000Z

Hello everyone (if anyone reads this that is!!), it's been a while since I last posted - my boyfriend's blog sums up what we have been up to the past couple of days!! Basically, I went to Edinburgh for a week and on Thurs 16th my Mum went up to Glasgow to support one of the captioners who was captioning Romeo and Juliet at the Theatre Royal - my boyfriend's Mum and I went up there to watch the performance (it was okay but not as good as some R+J performances I've seen - I went to see it at the Globe Theatre in London and it was fabby there) then we all went back to Edinburgh and my Mum stayed til Saturday.

Before that, I was doing my procedural essays to hand in for the end of term - I was doing my Humans and Other Animals essay til late on Tuesday night and on Wednesday I went to hand it all in back in York. I spent the afternoon doing a bit of shopping (lol) and had a panini in Starbucks for lunch before going back to Edinburgh. I think I must have spent loads on train tickets recently!!!

At the moment, I'm back at York for the week and I'm going home on Sunday evening. I'm pretty homesick at this point, but I've got so much work to do and I'm quite stressed, although I've been starting to read a classic book 'I Capture the Castle' by Dodie Smith to chill out with. She wrote 101 Dalmations if you're wondering who she is! 'I Capture the Castle' is truly an enchanting book so far, it's making me feel inspired as the narrator in the book is a teenager writing in her diary about the world around her and her everyday life. Sounds boring? You would be surprised, it's one of the best books I've read (so far) and I've read alot!! I'll let you know if it's worth the rather early opinion =)

Being homesick or missing people is different when you're older. I love having my independence, financially and in what I do and how I manage my time. I've learnt to appreciate the people in my life much more since I've moved to York - I can appreciate my parents as individuals and I think sometimes taking a step back means you appreciate the different relationships you have with people. In my Mum's case, I really enjoy talking to her because we both listen to each other even if we don't agree with what the other is saying. I know she means well when she points things out but I tend to get quite annoyed if I feel she's pushing me too hard about something.

However, when I go home, I tend to feel a bit stifled because I really love the independence I've got here in York. With my Dad, well, it's always been a difficult relationship but I've found that I care much more about how he is doing. He has been quite down/depressed since his father died a few years back but he is hopefully slowly putting his life back on track. My Mum always says that I'm like my Dad and I do agree because he is very stubborn, thinks alot and can be quite nervous when meeting people he doesn't know quite well. He likes to talk alot when he's with good friends though!

With my Sister, well, I miss her alot because we both understand what it's like to be a deaf person in a hearing world. I think we're quite different because although we have some similar interests (music, reading, writing), I think she's much more confident than I am or used to be when in social situations. We both have a similar sense of humour (it tends to end up with both of us rolling around on the sofa just because of pulling faces - it's called being zany!!) but I get annoyed with her because she can be quite selfish and calls me selfish for no reason sometimes (when she borrows something of mine without asking for example and I get annoyed - I don't mind if she asks me for something though!)! But it's all the sister stuff that most people get :-D

I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to going home or not after Uni is finished (that's June by the way). I've got mixed feelings about it which is understandable - it's been great having less time to travel to Edinburgh. I think we will make it work though, it's hard but I'm looking forward to when my boyfriend and I can move in together. I think it pays to be optimistic about things rather than thinking about the barriers (like money!).

Anyway, I just want to say something that my boyfriend posted on Nobleminded's blog recently (the one about having no energy etc). It's really hard when people ask you what you want to do when you leave Uni or what your ultimate 'goal' is. It's one of the most annoying questions in the whole world! I mean, all I know is that I feel strongly about deaf rights, feminism, art, reading and stuff.

Sure, I will get a job and it might not be the ultimate job but I think people expect that everyone knows what they want to do. It's an impossible question - there are lots of things that people want to do with their lives, it doesn't have to be career oriented. Like, you could have a normal job but support a charity actively and so on. It's hard when you come home at the end of a day and you're really tired but that's okay, people work hard and so what if they're not climbing a ladder.

It's good to have dreams though - it's important to have those ultimate goals that you would like to achieve, even if it's just saving enough money to go to Japan or something like that. I don't understand the whole "what is your ultimate career goal" thing. I myself want to make a difference for people, for deaf people in particular. I don't know if I'll achieve that goal but I want to and that's more important than what you are doing right now, if you know what I mean?

It's easy for people to ask what you're doing because our world is obsessed with movement and change and stuff. It doesn't always care about stability or reality any more. I mean that yes, they want you to be stable and in a job, but there always has to be something "more" or whatever. It feels as though everyone has to know what they want to do or be, especially when they're about to leave Uni, and fair enough maybe. But there doesn't have to be something specific that you have to be "doing" right now. I just wanted to remind people that the most important thing is that you believe in yourself. I know I'm quite idealistic but one of the best things about human beings is that we have the ability to believe, to be confident about ourselves and what we want in life.

It's made me think about the whole religion thing again. I mostly don't believe in God and heaven and things because I'm more interested in the here and now and what we do in the earthbound life. I think a more important thing than religion is to just be a good person, you really don't need religion to understand what being a good person morally is. I think it consists of not harming other people although the concept of harm is a good example of what has gone wrong with free speech and so on. I think people in society should accept that everyone is different and everyone has their own opinions and should be allowed to express them. Just so long as their opinions do not directly harm people, such as the belief that certain people should be killed or whatever.

We shouldn't have to live with views that incite hate and violence against women, gay people, disabled people or people with different religions and so on. It is very difficult to discern what is harmful and what isn't for example. I consider it harmful if a group of men shout obscenities at a woman or another person for example. I understand why it's hard to draw the line at certain things and why the government have had so many problems with the 'free speech' thing. It's so difficult to know where to begin when it comes to changing certain things in society - but I'm just thankful that there are pressure groups that deal with all the bad things about our society.

Anyway...I'm off to bed now I think..thanks for reading if you have!!

International Women's Day

2006-03-08T23:19:00.000Z

Hi again...it's international women's day today (according to the www.thefword.org.uk blog!) and I didn't know until I checked fword, oh well. I suppose because Feminism is an unfashionable concept perhaps? :-( Who knows..or maybe because I didn't read the papers today (yes, it could be my own fault) although I didn't see any mention of it in the news or anything :-(

I should be doing more work instead of this but I'm so tired and can't exactly be bothered as sometimes the problem with University essays is that they have to be extremely well referenced and it can be awkward sometimes - the rules being that almost every statement and comment you make must be referenced. You can still use your own opinion if it backs up an argument but you still have to talk about the reference or piece that may (or may not have) given you the opinion (even though your opinion is your own...). At least I'll hopefully get a good degree!

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It's become quite publicised since recent years - although I think there's a lot of confusion about what it actually is as it represents a whole bunch of symptoms - many women get misdiagnosed with something else as the range of symptoms is so wide. The main symptoms include hirsutism (the 'clinical' term for so called 'excess' hair), higher androgen content (ie. higher volume of male hormones), irregular or absent periods, ovarian cysts, Insulin resistance (diabetes 'in reverse' - basically too much insulin), extreme tiredness/lethargy, acne (spots!!), and a whole host of other symptoms - and not everyone gets all the symptoms, it varies from woman to woman.

The main treatment for PCOS is metformin which helps to lower your insulin or regulate it so that you can lose weight by exercise or whatever (although some women are a 'normal' weight) and if you have high androgens then you take dianette and/or an extra dose of cyproterone (which is in dianette already). There is no possible 'cure' although the symptoms can calm down if you lose weight (if overweight) and exercise etc. It is actually ten times harder to lose weight with insulin resistance, even if eating healthily and exercising. Ovarian cysts often cause infertility in some women, although the doctors treating you can help you conceive through a number of treatments I believe.

I was diagnosed with PCOS because I had some 'excess' or noticeably darker hair on my face and elsewhere. I usually bleached the hair so it didn't always seem very noticeable, but my audiologist doctor pointed it out to me and said she would refer me to someone to see if it was what she thought it was. My 'excess' hair didn't bother me much but when I was diagnosed with PCOS I felt as though I was being examined under a telescope as my hair became the object of dispute! It was very hard for me to have the things that defined my being a woman said to be not in working order or "wrong".

I don't think doctors are very sensitive about these kinds of things even if they are experts in the field. I became much more conscious about my hair, and this actually made people notice it more even though before they hardly noticed! So my daily routine is to remove the hair through trimming and so on, which is a pain to be honest with you, to feel so much pressure about my own appearance. I have to say that the dianette has since worked well with making my hair fairer and less noticeable, but what confidence I had before in hair matters is kind of skewed as I am still trimming my facial hair even though it is fair!

Its hard for me to explain these symptoms to people - they assume I have diabetes or some fertility problem or that my hormones are all screwed up. I do feel excessively tired sometimes and people often think I am being lazy :-( It's difficult to explain to someone that all these particular symptoms you have are all one thing and theres no real cure for it. I get annoyed or have tantrums and feel out of control, probably because of the male hormones or just my hormones bouncing around. I actually felt better before the dianette suppressed the male hormones as I felt happier and more well balanced. I'm not sure why this is - I think maybe dianette can cause slight melancholy (it is a form of contraceptive pill to also try and regulate my periods).

Despite all this, I don't feel any less of a woman. I think feeling like a woman has something to do with how secure you feel with yourself..although I'm not exactly sure. Maybe because I've read so much about women in society and feminism that I feel okay about myself as a woman, that I know I don't have to be this perfect stick thin advertisement for femininity, an inhuman portrayal of beauty ideals or whatever. I know I'm not ugly or that I'm not a good person, I like myself despite sometimes feeling let down by what's happening to my body. It is my own body though and I care about it!lol :-) It's very hard to define what I mean when I say I don't feel any less of a woman!!

Anyway..better do some more work!!

A Showcase For My Lyrics/Poetry

2006-03-06T21:13:00.000Z

Future Dreams

It’s always been hard to let go
And leave the rest up to tomorrow
It’s hard to get over things that hurt
To push these things apart
So that they won’t seem like part of your life anymore
So that they just feel like a hazy nightmare
That disappeared when you woke up
You want to feel like you can reach the top
You want to feel free again
You want to feel okay again
You want to be happy again
It would be wonderful if it wasn’t real
It would be wonderful if it wasn’t true
But you learn from mistakes
You learn from the pain
But it’s always been true
I like my life; I love my life when it’s beautiful
I like to see the world as it wants to be seen
Perfection I know is just a dream
But it’s nice to try and see things that way
To see something beautiful in every day
To love yourself even when things go wrong
To tell yourself that you can be strong
Because only you know how you feel
You are the only one who can make things real
You can get yourself through this
And every day will get easier
Every day it will get better
And you can dream of something new.

Reasons

Where do we end the long reasons,
When do we know when to fade?
Life seems to go on and on,
Until all the moments are gone.
If we take each moment for granted,
A wintry cold will set in,
Gone are the days of light and feeling,
Instead is the pain and the dark.
The shadows will stretch their cold fingers,
And take in all the experience they can,
Wisdom will slip away; memory will slowly and surely die,
Is this the time to ask countless reasons why?
Will this be the end of the world, is time going to slip away?
Fade into underlined stars,
Which we don't take the time to believe.
It rains and it rains and it never lets go,
And the wind it goes through my head,
Scattering thoughts like leaves from a book,
The words spill off the pages,
And are magnified by raindrops which fall
Seeking others like themselves,
Needing others who will understand
Fading away in the sunlight.

Beyond Tomorrow (Profundity)

Should I try and let go,
Need I feel so low?
Will I understand this is so profound?
Maybe I will hide in all this sound;
Feel all the wavering sorrow?
If I let go right now -
It will be needless to feel in turmoil,
And feel all this woe.
I will not need to foil,
Anyone’s stricken plans?
All I will do is traverse all these lands.
Find out who I am today;
Bring back hope and dreams,
To those who cannot see beyond tomorrow.

Put Your Records On

2006-03-06T01:14:00.000Z

I have to say that the title is a shameless plug of Corinne Bailey Rae's fabby song - I ordered the album on HMV (with student discount!) as she sounds great - this fab summery rich sound like Billie Holiday. Definitely an artist to keep your ears tuned to!

My weekend has been boring to say the least, I've somehow got another cold which keeps making me sneeze every few minutes. I had a rash over the past couple of weeks and luckily that's gone...I seem to have numerous bodily complaints, especially during the winter! At least it's March and things might be getting better (unless you count hayfever, yuk). I've pretty much been studying for a procedural essay by reading stuff all weekend and tomorrow I am taking a trip to the library..fun.

I'm not entirely sure why I am blogging at this late hour, as I should be tucked up in bed trying to get rest to ward off the cold. It's just one of those times when there's too much going around in your head to feel like sleeping, although I think my body is exhausted! I had dinner really late though as I was doing some more work on the computer..a students life, eh? I like the late night thinking sessions though...most of the time. Since my last post (which wasn't very long ago!) I've been thinking more about the Feminist issue and I really urge you to look at www.thefword.org.uk because it covers a lot of issues that matter to Feminists and women from all walks of life. It's easy to read and you will find that a lot of it makes sense. I sometimes get the feeling that men feel defensive about some of the issues brought up by Feminism, mostly because men perhaps feel that feminists/women are criticising them. On the other hand, feminists are trying to make the world a better place for both men and women, free of the constraints and pressures that make them feel they have to fit certain ideals and roles within society.

I for one, contrary to belief (like most people think feminists think), think that being a mother and father is one of the most magical and responsible things anyone can do, but at the same time this doesn't mean, by biological default, that women are meant to stay at home, cook and do everything around the house - parenting and domestic stuff shouldn't be prescribed to just one person. It's about equality, not making a matriarchal society, but a fair society. Until the normalization of pornographic images stops and is put back where they belong (out of the public domain and into places where people go if they are looking for that kind of thing), we cannot have a truly equal and safer society. There have been studies that show that so called 'lads mags' often have hard core pornographic images and yet they are in public, next to teenager magazines and childrens comics etc. I find this horrifying because children and teenagers are subjected to these images at an even earlier age. Newsagents are reluctant to remove them in some cases because they generate so much profit. I found, as a young woman, that newspapers such as the Sun and earlier versions of 'lads mags' made me feel uncomfortable and violated especially when read by young men my own age.

Some people say that some images in pornography or in lads mags are 'empowering' to women. How are they empowering? They perpetuate the dominant image of women as submissive, constantly in submissive or provocative positions. Especially those considered 'dominating' because they wear leather or pvc and wield whips should not be seen as empowering because they are acting out particular male fantasies. I defy any woman to feel comfortable or empowered by wearing a leather catsuit or being subjected to pain by whipping or so on. Most women going in for S&M do so because their partner is interested in it (most fetishes are male perpetuated, such as feet fetishes which involves crippling women by the wearing of ever higher high heels). The best book that covers these things is by Sheila Jeffreys called 'Beauty and Misogyny' (2005).

She also points out that women shaving their pubic hair and undergoing vaginal and labia surgery often do so because they believe that their genitals should look like those of porn stars and they believe that, because their partners or husbands use pornography, they find this attractive. Most women have no idea what their genitals are meant to look like in reality and I find this sad because no part of a female body is safe anymore. I think men with fetishes of parts of a woman's body are not appreciating the person and body as a whole, as a person they should respect and care about.

I am not criticising individual women who undertake such practices but I believe that if there were no pressures like this then we would all appreciate our bodies and not subject them to awful torture under the name of 'surgery' or 'beauty practices'. We would feel that our bodies are precious - they are, after all, the only ones that we have. We should all be appreciated as individual, and love ourselves instead of inflicting such pain, cutting and moulding things to size through dieting, surgery, waxing and other painful procedures which serve to lower self esteem and make women feel as though they are 'worthless' as they are.

Well..I know I've done my fair share of ranting and stuff recently but it really is food for thought. I mean, nobody flinches anymore when they see surgery being filmed on TV, or when they see a woman on her hands and knees in a so called 'provocative' pose. Men would object if every woman's magazine was covered with naked men in submissive poses, pouting at the camera, objectified. Men would object if they were suddenly pressured to remove their body hair and cut up their genitals and chests. Why should women feel such pressure? We are not sex objects and should never have to be. Relationships should be based on mutual love and understanding and respect for each other's bodies.

Hmm..anyway! I promise my next blog post will be about something different (maybe!). Don't be alarmed if I don't post for a while as I'll be hard at work writing essays! :)

Moon River....

2006-03-02T00:45:00.000Z

So..what's been happening recently? Well..it's March now, yippee!! That means lots of daffodils and tulips and snowdrops everywhere :-) I did the pancake day thing but I have to agree with my boyfriend, despite being brought up as a Church of England Christian, I'm just not a religious person. The concept of Lent is interesting - giving up things etc, but theres so many things to give up that I can't decide what to give up anyway! That would be chocolate, nutella spread and stuff like that..although I stopped taking sugar in my tea ages ago and don't like adding extra salt (I'm a pepper kind of person). Although I have to say that I substitute sweetener for sugar instead..oh well.

I think being a better person sounds good..I've got some very bad things about me like having a tendency to take things to heart too often (resulting in misunderstandings and tears before bedtime), I can be jealous and I'm very stubborn and argumentative about things that I don't exactly agree with or feel bad about. But I think as long as everyone KNOWS what their bad points are, we can always try to control them and try not to get worked up. It is human to have bad and good points, if everyone was really good and nice it would be a little boring I guess. I like to think that sometimes my being argumentative can be valid, especially with things that I'm passionate about.

I had my last lectures and seminars for this degree yesterday. It feels a little sad, because I've seen almost the same people for the past three years - although I don't know them that well, you sometimes get to know alot about people by the things they argue about or talk about in seminars. Like, people who are vegetarian and think that all meat eating is unnecessary and a bad cultural habit. I guess I kind of agree with that, although I really like my chicken and don't know if I could give it up just like that. I mean, I feel quite guilty about the way that our society farms nowadays with battery farming and the "killing machines" etc. Like a lot of things in this society, in this world, it is another form of violence, whether we like it or not.

We have too much control over everything, over animals and nature. I think we really have a bad relationship with the world around us, whether we choose to or not. I know I'm not perfect, but I like to think that in some ways I appreciate that our world is something to be looked after and to appreciate. We have to live here and we're steadily ruining the environment and ecosystem by emitting fuels and not recycling and wasting things. It's shocking that a lot of people have become so detached from the realities of life, that we are born, live and die - and we have a responsibility to respect our planet, even if we don't agree with some of the 'disasters' it goes through, to at least understand that we cannot control it all.

Another niggle I've been thinking about recently is how Western society STILL objectifies women through the media and everywhere. I mean, we're still a long way from equality, although a lot of people think it's time to stop thinking about feminism because it's become a dirty word and everyone thinks we're all equal anyway. It may seem as though women have choice but theres still this feeling that women have to look attractive for men, that theres a certain mould we have to fit. Cosmetic surgery is the most extreme form of this - the current procedures now involve reconstructing the hymen to create 'virginity' and making the vagina 'tighter' because women think men want this. Another procedure makes the labia the same size (even though every womens parts are different). Some people seem to think that Feminism is sexist (!!) because it doesn't focus on men as well all the time.

It is appreciated that men, as well as women, are also objectified and portrayed in ways that show men as 'stupid' or whatever, some feminists concentrate more on this than others do. It just appears obvious that women tend to be objectified more often and they have much less agency within society than men do. There are alot of debates about what extent we can call the choices we make 'choices' because no matter what people do, they tend to be labelled as fitting feminine or masculine norms even if they feel empowered (ie. women body builders feel pressure to look feminine by wearing makeup and enhancing things even though their sport is seen as non conformist).

It might be seen as 'choices' that women make and I don't think these women who have surgery are stupid. I just think that choosing to have surgery is another way of wearing a corset or chinese foot binding and other extreme, harmful practices. Things can go wrong - I mean, its people cutting up their bodies for the sake of some 'ideal', because they feel that their bodies should look a certain way, not appreciating that their bodies are fine, everyone is different.

There's not enough education about women's nether regions - we are defined as women through our breasts rather than our lower parts as men are often defined. It's all about imagery, how subtle pressures exert themselves on women (and men). Why should the media dictate what we, as men and women, should want? I believe that as individuals (not men and women) we should be free to express ourselves, without the restraint of what the media or fashion says 'looks good'. I love clothes, but I don't dress for anyone else, I dress for myself and what feels good, and I'm sure there are women out there who feel the same. I just think it's a shame that we have these particular categories that seem to define what it means to be a man or a woman, what our sexuality should be like and so on.

Theres no real alternative for heterosexual women (and men) at the moment - women are meant to be a certain way and so are men, but this has nothing to do with biology as some might justify. I think it's cultural pressures that make people believe that it is acceptable to say that women are irrational and emotional and that men are rational and calm - it would be a better world if we all took people at their individual value rather than putting labels on each other. It is difficult to step out of cultural norms though, and even my gay gender and society tutor finds it difficult to not be defined as feminine on a daily basis, because she is a woman.

I don't know whether there is an answer for anything - women and men are reluctant to challenge these norms because either they see nothing wrong with the way things are or they feel that theres no point because nothing would change anyway. I think it's kind of sad in a way, theres so many norms that oppress people in today's society, that don't get challenged very often. I don't think feminist is a dirty word, women have been oppressed for centuries and it's only a recent thing for women to be working and having some kind of agency over their lives. I think the world would be a better place if everyone respected difference even if we don't quite understand it.

Why should everything we do be defined as being so because we are masculine or feminine? If I want to wear a skirt because I like the material and the feel of it, why does wearing a skirt mean that I am more 'feminine' or 'ladylike'? I am a woman and we may have different biological characteristics but biological determinism denies us our rights to be seen as more than just our sex, more than feminine or masculine. Until it feels that we do certain things because we are expressing ourselves and it can be seen that way rather than as something we do because we are women or men (ie. like being more emotional than some people are), then I still think we have a long way to go.

Anyway, I've added some links on the right that may be of interest if you want to think more about this kind of thing!

"Never want to run, Never want to leave, Frightened to believe, That you're the best thing about me."

2006-02-23T22:12:00.000Z

Some of my Favourite Songs:

Fallin' (Alicia Keys)
How Come You Don't Call Me (Written by Prince, the Alicia Keys Version)
Rock Wit U (Alicia Keys)
In The Shadows (The Rasmus)
Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)
Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day)
Are We The Waiting? (Green Day)
Killing Me Softly (With His Song) (The Fugees)
Doo Wop (That Thing) (Lauryn Hill)
Superstar (Lauryn Hill)
Doesn't Even Matter (Lauryn Hill)
Rock The Boat (Aaliyah)
Try Again (Aaliyah)
More Than A Woman (Aaliyah)
Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)
Thriller (Michael Jackson)
Jam (Michael Jackson)
Man in the Mirror (Michael Jackson)
She's Out Of My Life (Michael Jackson)
Rock With You (M. J)
Remember The Time (M. J)
You Are Not Alone (Written by R.Kelly, sung by M.J)
Dangerous (M.J)
Beat It (M.J)
You Rock My World (M.J)
Don't Stop Til' You Get Enough (M.J)
It's The Falling In Love (M.J)
Doesn't Really Matter (Janet Jackson)
Suspicious Minds (Elvis Presley)
Jailhouse Rock (Elvis Presley)
Teddy Bear (Elvis Presley)
Where Is The Love (Black Eyed Peas)
Shut Up (Black Eyed Peas)
Hey Ya! (OutKast)
Sing (Travis)
Flowers in the Window (Travis)
Have a Nice Day (Stereophonics)
Mardy Bum (Arctic Monkeys)
I Predict a Riot (Kaiser Chiefs)
Everyday I Love You Less And Less (Kaiser Chiefs)
The Best Thing (Savage Garden)
Truly, Madly, Deeply (Savage Garden)
I Want You (Savage Garden)
To The Moon and Back (Savage Garden)
Break Me, Shake Me (Savage Garden)
Affirmation (Savage Garden)
Hold Me (Savage Garden)
I Knew I Loved You (Savage Garden)
Don't Wanna Miss A Thing (Aerosmith)
Honky Tonk Women (The Rolling Stones)
Close To You (The Carpenters)
(Can't Get No) Satisfaction (The Rolling Stones)
In The End (Linkin' Park)
One Step Closer (Linkin' Park)
Somewhere I Belong (Linkin' Park)
I Try (Macy Gray)
Love is Just a Feeling (The Darkness)
I Believe in a Thing Called Love (The Darkness)
Do You Want To (Franz Ferdinand)
When Doves Cry (Prince)
Unchained Melody (The Righteous Brothers)
When You Say Nothing At All (Ronan Keating)
Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)
Rock Steady (No Doubt)
Underneath It All (No Doubt)
What You Waiting For (Gwen Stefani)
Right To Be Wrong (Joss Stone)
Come Away With Me (Norah Jones)
How Sweet It Is (Marvin Gaye)
Sexual Healing (Marvin Gaye)

Another Week Gone By

2006-02-16T23:28:00.000Z

So, it's another week gone by in this term and I feel more stressed than ever but I'm feeling slightly more optimistic as I have all the reading I need for one of my essays and I've got 4 days to work on everything. It feels quite lonely here in York sometimes, especially when I've got free days and I want to talk to my family/boyfriend/friends. It does sometimes feel as if everyone is doing their own thing and can't really find the time to talk - especially my sister as I haven't heard from her (not one text) since I was at home 3 weeks ago. Perhaps it's just teenage hormones but sometimes it can be quite hurtful because my life isn't as full as it could be at the moment - all I seem to do is either work, watch TV/films and go to lectures etc. It does give you time to think too much and I can be my own worst enemy sometimes stressing and missing people who aren't here.

I've got a slight problem with one of my housemates which kind of started last term, she just seems to be kind of cold towards me and talks more to our other housemate (who is fine with me). I've done nothing to upset her as far as I can see, and it's causing a certain kind of worry because it's almost impossible to relax when she's in the same room, she definitely doesn't always bother to talk to me or even ask how I'm doing (I ask her how she is so it's a bit crap). The stupid thing is that because we were quite friendly before, I feel as though I need to make an extra effort to make sure she's happy with me, it's a vicious cycle as it just makes me feel rejected if she doesn't seem very interested in what I have to say etc.

Having said that, I'm trying my best not to let it get to me, although it does because it sometimes feels like I'm the odd one out since the other housemate and her are very friendly indeed. Some people seem so judgemental, just because I'm deaf doesn't mean I don't notice things or that I'm left out of what's happening in the world or around me. Both of them are very into music and so am I, but when I want to talk about stuff I like or try to join in when they are talking about music, it sometimes seems as though this particular housemate can't understand how/why I like music so much..it's bloody annoying as I LOVE music.

Being at Uni has made me realise how difficult it is for deaf people to interact with the world around them, especially in social situations. I mean, the people you live with should be more understanding about everything because you've explained things to them but they can sometimes be the worst at communicating as they become so complacent about being able to talk to each other - that they don't even attempt to repeat things. I hate being told 'it's not important' or 'it doesn't matter' - I mean, most people would feel crap being told that anyway.

I find it hard to ask people to repeat themselves sometimes as the flow of conversation sometimes makes it impossible - so it's a case of being told the short version afterwards or having to constantly stop people and ask what's happening. Very frustrating, as sometimes I feel I rely too much on particular people - like my boyfriend or my mum to explain things to me - as I can lipread them better out of most people I know (apart from my sister).

Anyway...I just needed to get that off my chest :)

It's nearly spring...

2006-02-05T16:17:00.000Z

Well..it's been a strange start to the year but luckily things are hopefully looking better - I've been ill for 6 weeks with numerous strains of bacterial colds and the like. I'm feeling better so lets hope this lasts..especially with the first signs of spring popping up everywhere in the shape of daffodil and tulip stems.

It's been a bit of a panic recently since I haven't been feeling well enough to get on with my work - those three 5000 word essays needing to be done and my project essay only still in the planning stages. I'm hoping this week will be a breakthrough and I can actually get on with it. No more wasted hours watching Charmed episode DVDs ;) I'm doing Gender and Society and Humans and Other Animals this term - my last proper term of courses. I think my spring holiday will be full of panicking and working really hard - at least I have 5 weeks!!

Anyway, I've been really out of it - when you start the beginning of the year its all feeling fresh and exciting but by february you just feel like it's just the same as it was last year. Yes I know, it's cynical to think like that, but theres always this huge build up and then its back to work/uni and into a routine again...but I'm looking forward to spring!! Perhaps I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) - as studies show that theres a higher rate of depression during the dark cold winter months. I certainly feel better even just going for a stroll when the sun is out and the flowers are all popping up around you.

I'm home this weekend - my sister has yet another boyfriend since the summer and she's much happier with this one. In fact, they are going on their first date to see Fun with Dick and Jane subtitled at the cinema today - I'm happy for her because they are fairly similar and get on well - plus she gets the ever important butterflies when she gets to see him :-) Butterflies are important - I still get them with my boyfriend (whether he knows that or not!) - I think its a good thing because it kind of shows that you're still excited to be with them and theres still a physical and mental spark between you.

Apparently one of my sis's friends has been to see Memoirs of a Geisha and says its nothing like the book, pretty Americanized and everything. This is someone who happens to be mad about Japan and Japanese stuff - she wants to do Japanese Studies at Uni and has learnt Japanese..and wants to work there. I've read the book by Arthur Golden and it's one of my favourite books ever. The film doesn't show what a Geisha is meant to be like, which I suspected as it's made in America and uses Chinese actors and actresses. It looks stunning, but looks aren't everything, I find that films with some depth at least are more interesting than ones that just look good.

It says alot about Hollywood - it either makes really good Oscar winning films about human beings etc or it creates blockbuster fodder that doesn't challenge the existing boundaries and insults the intelligence of the audiences. Sure, some of it is entertaining but they don't stay with you for long. At the time, people get excited about them but feel let down when they go to see them. I blame hyped up advertising. Some really good small budget films with fantastic acting and interesting stories are often swamped by the Hollywood offerings around at the time.

Well...I guess it's just a typical characteristic of the West that money and demand often come first rather than quality. There are some really good actors/actresses out there, and I'm not talking about the ones that get roles because they apparently 'look good' or they sell the films they are in. It's a shame that films and entertainment rely so much on looks rather than talent...but I think thats another argument for another time :-D

Happy New Year!!

2006-01-07T15:55:00.000Z

Well...the party season is over and it's back to 'normal' life if any life can be called normal! Its been a good holiday and I'm back at York tomorrow...with 3 5000 word essays to write by May 2nd and my project essay by 5th June, erk! I'm hoping this year will be much better than last year, which was a bit crap really but I loved going to Ireland in the summer and working at Cambridge Arts theatre for two weeks..and going to New York which everyone has to do at least once in their life but I'm definitely going back and taking my man with me :-D The cheesecake was heavenly and the people were lovely and central park was gorgeous :-)

I know I've put on weight over the Xmas/New Year season...but who doesn't? I know it will come off again when my eating habits get back to normal although I LOVE chocolate and will never give it up so I think exercise is the answer for me...although who wants to go outside in the freezing cold when they can snuggle up in bed with a hot CHOCOLATE and watch comfort DVDs like Pride and Prejudice (6 hours of manners and empire line frocks!!)!

The last Lost is airing here next wednesday...but yay I'm pleased to say that on Wednesday 18th Jan Desperate housewives comes back! Yes it is a bit trashy I suppose but I kind of like having regular things to watch - last year it was Lost and Bleak House, although I missed a lot of Lost when it first came out cos it didn't sound that interesting. It's really good though because strange things happen and they can't be explained! I like strange things happening in my viewing choices, especially if the viewer knows what it is and the characters don't, like in desperate housewives and stuff...I like things that keep my brain ticking away :D

Christmas was great although I missed my boyfriend but he came down at New Year..when I was ill, yuk. I always get ill at the worst times and get better when I could do with being ill...like for a valid excuse for missing something I really don't want to do!! I got some lovely Xmas presents and although I agree that its very commercialized nowadays, I still really love the atmosphere of being with family, seeing the decorations and the food and stuff. How do you describe Christmas? Its a collection of smells, sights and sounds and seasonal goodwill...and lots of family confrontations ;-)

We went to Chicken Shed Theatre for New Year's Eve - it's an inclusive theatre company that everyone should go and see! I was a performer there from 7 to 17 so I spent about 10 years there. Their work is amazing and they are the only theatre company in the UK (possibly the world) who put everyone together, no matter their age, nationality, ability or anything else and create amazingly professional theatre that is full of heart. Most people get very emotional talking about Chicken Shed, and if you ever go, you'll know why because you can never be part of Chicken Shed without taking it with you wherever you go. The theatre is in Chase Side, Southgate in London (in an area called Cockfosters).

But anyway...I had taken paracetamol so I couldn't drink anything on New Years Eve!! Not even a little sip of champagne...never mind!! It's not fun being stone cold sober when everyone else is tipsy or legless though!! Never get ill at New Year if you can avoid it :-D

Right...I better go and pack my stuff for Uni as my Mum is driving me up tomorrow and I haven't even started packing. I absolutely hate packing because I always end up taking too much!

It's December!!

2005-12-01T14:31:00.000Z

Well..no awards for a creative title there!! It's the end of the week for me cos I've got nothing else at Uni til Monday..so I'm just passing a little bit of time rambling away. I wonder if I mentioned I write poetry and lyrics? It started a couple of years ago while I was at secondary school (thats high school, just in case), probably because I was going through one of those times when nothing seems to make sense so you need to write it down somewhere. It's changed alot since then and I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe it's just because I'm more engaged with life than I used to be, I appreciate what I have more - like family and friends and stuff.

I used to think that maybe I stopped because a couple of bad things happened, if that makes sense? When bad stuff happens, you lose something inside you, maybe it's just faith or idealism that you lose. I'm much more sceptical about things than I used to be, I lost some faith in people along the way somewhere but I think it's getting better because I've grown up a bit and I realise that the only person who has the power to change your world is you yourself, you shouldn't rely on chances to come along, you should go out there and get them. But something has changed - I'm closed to some things because I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time, my capacity for love has become more open and I really do appreciate the people in my life.

The last thing I wrote was in November, I think it's just a general feeling I had about people around me in everyday life, making assumptions about personality based on what they see or experience about you but not bothering to look any deeper and get to know you better. It was about my housemate at the time but it could apply to anyone - and my sister said once that good poetry is something that people *hopefully* relate to and can be applied to almost anyone.

Hardly Understood

It feels so hard to get,
It seems like it's time
To go;
To move on to tomorrow,
You've hardly understood
Me yet;
So why go through this?
If you're not willing
To let me know;
What's going on
In your head,
It's like losing your way -
When you already know
Where you are;
I think you've hardly
Understood me yet.
So why assume
What you think you know,
And who you think I am?
(Because) there's so much
More to know.

I hope it makes sense to someone somewhere, and no, no copying allowed! I think poetry is the kind of medium that has a lot of potential - writing books/stories and so on is great but maybe not as abstract and creative as lyrical or poetical form. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme or stick to certain formats or genres to be good. It can be imaginative or realistic - it doesn't really matter. I've always thought good poetry means something to somebody though, whether it's the author or someone else.

I've thought a bit more about my project essay - because I've been reading a book with a collection of extracts from other books and so on. Basically so far it has discussed the deaf community and sign language as a language in it's own right. I know a lot of people assume that all deaf people, on becoming or being born deaf automatically become part of a deaf community. In fact, the deaf community can be extremely discriminating itself because what happens is that deaf people (such as people like me) who have hearing parents and go to "normal" schools with hearing impaired units attached (for notetaking and support etc) and whose first language isn't BSL as they talk and use English - are thought of as not accepting that they are deaf and don't feel proud of it, of their cultural heritage.

The Deaf community accepts fully people whose first language is BSL (British Sign Language), who choose to reject the dominant hearing culture - because the dominant hearing culture, to them, discriminates and refuses to make the world accessible to deaf people. People who talk and lipread and see English as their first language are thought of as avoiding the simple fact that they are deaf. A lot of people in the deaf community see 'hearing' people as the enemy, the hearing world as not their world.

But what of deaf people who use English and lipread but also use BSL (like myself, my friends and sister)? I think it's a more modern view to say that getting the best of both worlds, hearing and deaf, means that you should be able to communicate with both. A lot of people I know feel very strongly about deaf rights and access to everything in society, myself included, and although I have great respect for all deaf people, no matter what their communication choice, it helps to be able to put your issues across to the hearing world by talking or writing. I feel that deaf people need to be more receptive to the hearing world if they want to make things better for them and other deaf people. People don't know what you need until you tell them, and this certainly applies to deaf and hearing people both.

Theres also a massive dominant view in society, especially among health professionals and psychologists, that deafness is something to be "cured". I've been eligible for cochlear implants but decided to turn them down - partly because of the awful thought of having an operation and an electronic thing on my head, and partly because I felt rebellious and that I like myself as I am, this is ME, I am Deaf.

Okay, so I wasn't discovered as being deaf until I was 6, but apparently I just covered it up very well. My world didn't seem any different to anyone else's, I was a very happy child and only when you are told you are "different" does the world change for you. I know hearing people think that becoming or being born deaf is one of the worst things ever but my life has been full of interesting experiences and lots of learning curves - mostly because I am deaf...therefore I wouldn't change it for the world. I mean, it's up to the parents or the person whether they want to "cure" their hearing loss but trying to make someone as much "normal" as possible is just oppressive and unloving.

Anyway...as I've said before, I think there has been a lot of breakthroughs in recent years: British Sign Language has been recognised as a language in it's own right, there have been a lot of developments with Access issues and I think deaf people are debating the communication issue a great deal. I just hope that they recognise that it's an individuals right to choose how they communicate, and that it's not a criticism of the deaf community if someone's first language is English. I am proud of the cultural heritage of the deaf world, and I've done my stage one BSL exam and hope to do Stage 2 at some point (there are about 3-4 stages where you learn more advanced sign language)...the sky's the limit :-)

**It's my 21st Birthday tomorrow!!!!!**

Life, the Universe and Everything

2005-11-28T12:07:00.000Z

It's been a while again since I last did a post, mostly because reality beckons (when doesn't it?). It's my 21st birthday on Friday, so I'm going home this weekend, albeit with my boyfriend on the same train :-D I've always thought trains were sort of romantic - it's that whole 'platform encounter' thing that are always in old movies, when the train is hissing steam and the love of your life comes out of the steam and...*sighs*...a perfect movie train encounter. Also, one of my favourite films Before Sunrise starts with an encounter on a train when two people meet and fall in love with one of the best conversations in their lives - watch it, you won't regret it :) But train platforms are sad too...people having to say goodbye all the time. There's always next time though!

My project essay for my degree (a dissertation of sorts) is going to be undertaken using the subject of deafness and society - so I'm really looking forward to working out a question and researching it and so on. I'm not entirely sure what I want it to be about yet - whether it should be about the deaf community and society's perception of it or whether it should be something to do with equality/the disability question and so on. Most deaf people don't think of themselves as disabled, me included, although society is very ignorant about what being deaf involves, although I don't think this is anyone's fault in particular as modern perceptions are usually based on TV or film or stereotypes. I mean..I'm sure a lot of people would see a deaf person as being unable to interact with the world because they use sign-language or because they can't speak or use English properly.

Its quite sad really - I was watching a programme the other night (can't remember what it was called though its quite famous etc) and they made a comment about a deaf man in a theatre audience whose mobile went off and someone on stage had a go at him and told him to leave but the people on the programme were saying that why would he have a mobile in the first place or be at a theatre in the first place? Hmm...a rather ignorant view I would have to say - first of all there is texting technology and secondly, anyone can go to the cinema or theatre even if they can't follow it completely. As I mentioned in one of my other blogs, Cinema can be subtitled and theatre can also be subtitled - Stagetext do a lot of captioning around the country (www.stagetext.com). So there is no reason to make jokes like that even if they are initially funny - I laughed but felt really bad afterwards because I found it insulting and in bad taste when the laughter died down.

Anyway...I'll definitely give an outline of my project essay when I get some more ideas and talk to my project essay supervisor. The last year of Uni is actually quite scary to be honest, everything is much more serious and you feel as though everything is coming to a head - you have to work harder - this particular Sociology degree at York is all based on essays so theres no exams but it's still hard work as you have a lot of reading - although I've developed a real passion for the subject because it's so relevant to society..obviously!!

My favourite anime films ever have to be the films by Hayao Miyazaki - nobody else could make such profound statements and yet manage to make the artwork so beautiful and the characters so interesting and quirky. I am referring to the creator of Spirited Away, Kiki's Delivery Service, Howl's Moving Castle and Princess Mononoke among others. Although I've collected all the episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion and bought the Hellsing series, and watched a couple of other Manga films, I don't exactly find them as watchable as Miyazaki's films. A lot of Manga appears samey - although I do agree that there are some extremely revolutionary films that changed the face of cinema and anime/animation out there. Films like Ghost in the Shell have obviously achieved cult recognition - but...as I usually am, I'm quite critical about film as with many things! Hmmm...a film critic..interesting idea ;) I LOVE Miyazaki's films though because they are so inventive and beautiful to watch :)

Its easy to understand entertainment/hobbies as a form of escapism - but something my boyfriend mentioned in his blog about gaming made me think about how our world sometimes seems extremely artificial. It's almost as though people have somehow stopped engaging with the real world as much as they used to. I've actually been thinking about this a great deal recently - is it harmful to spend too much of our time playing games, on the internet, watching TV and films, reading magazines, and so on? I'm not saying that doing these things is harmful, but doing them in excess probably is because I don't think people always appreciate how beautiful the real world actually is. The world itself gives us electricity, water and food, and yet a lot of people are afraid of truly connecting to the world outside our houses. I appreciate the imagination that goes into creating a good game, but yes, playing a game all day could mess with someone's mind.

I can't remember the last time I went for a walk in the woods - and I've been on some rather lovely walks (mostly when I was a child). I'm not afraid of going camping, although I would draw the line at completely natural camping as I like my showers and flushing toilets! I suppose I'm aware of entertainment such as film and games making perfect worlds on screen, creating utopias and perfect people when the real world could never be that perfect - and we should appreciate that imperfection more because it's reality.

A Couple of Random Things...

2005-11-17T21:49:00.000Z

Well..it's been a while since I've posted on this blog, mostly because of my sort of hectic life. I say sort of because although my weekends are kept busy, the weeks are kind of disjointed because my timetable means that I have Uni on Mondays and Thursdays and three days are free, it feels a little strange sometimes. I mean, if I don't have much work to do, then it can get a little boring because everyone else is busy and I've finished watching Charmed series 3 (yep, I'm onto series three now!), and it's kind of hard to think of things to do beside watch TV, read or go for walks (and I'm sure I've walked everywhere it's possible to walk around here!!). Having said that, I'm not complaining because some people have less time to chill out than I do so I suppose I'm lucky in a way.

It's 2 weeks til I'm 21 tomorrow exactly so I'm sort of thinking about what I want to do with my life at this point. I mean, I absolutely love studying because I like things that challenge me and keep my brain stimulated. I think if I was in a job where I didn't use my brain then I would probably end up feeling like I'm not doing anything useful. I've always thought I would like to campaign for something because I feel so strongly about deaf rights and about equal rights generally. I want to make a difference to the world - and although I probably will have to have a couple of boring moments along the way, that's my ideal in life, to make a difference for people, to support people and let them know there's people there to help them. But then again, I love to learn, especially Sociology, so I know at some point I may carry on and do a Masters degree or something similar.

Anyway...this is probably really boring but I don't care - I'm sure not many people read this anyway (especially since I get really few comments..how about none..blah). I guess we all have ambitions for our lives, but I don't think mine are so career oriented as some are. I just really want to be doing something I love doing, and have a happy life, a fulfilled one which keeps a balance. I don't want to be the kind of person who becomes lost in a career or lost as a mother/housewife etc.

I think it's difficult for women even now because although they have so much more freedom, it's quite a new freedom and quite a precious one, something that you still have to work at because there are still too many justifications for gender roles, there are still particular expectations about men and women, and it doesn't have to be like that.

It would be so good to have a real balance between genders so there is a truly equal society - one in which both men and women are seen as individuals in their own rights rather than worlds apart and completely different etc etc. I mean, all that crap about men being from mars and women from venus - I accept that we have particular hormones and physical characteristics but why should this mean women are seen as irrational and men as rational, or women as sex objects and men as the voyeurs?

I know there are some really lovely people out there and I don't mean this as an insult or anything like that. I'm just looking at a general overview rather than individuals - we are taught particular roles and that this is our lot and this is what we have to accept. But I know there are people who definitely don't accept these things. Maybe because I'm deaf I feel more aware of the injustices of things, of how things change for people according to what they look like, whether they can see or hear, where they come from, whether they are male or female. I know I'm sometimes irrational about particular things and I do apologise to ever suffering family/friends =P But I think some things need to be said, thought about and something done about them.

I'm kind of glad that I'm doing Sociology because it has really opened my eyes to what is happening in this world of ours, how it could be better and how some things should be. But I do accept that things can't change unless people actually wake up one day and think the world needs to change or everyone wakes up and changes the way they think about gender roles, about "disability" and other such subjects. There's always room for change where social life is concerned.

I've also been thinking about the things I actually want to do in my lifetime, and so I've devised a honourary list:

1. Move in with my boyfriend

2. Travel to: Japan, China, Prague, Russia, assorted States of America, Canada, Africa, the Carribean, the rest of Europe (as I've been to lots of places already, although I wouldn't mind going to them again!).

3. Have a beautiful black cat...well I don't mind what colour just as long as it's a cat!

4. Have something published (I write lyrics/poetry but perhaps I will write something of real note some day!)

5. Have my own library room...someday...

6. Ooh..perhaps I could actually have a bookshop :)

7. See as many art exhibitions as I possibly can in my lifetime

8. Have a Breakfast at Tiffany's moment outside Tiffany's in NY :)

9. Eventually have Children...although I would love to achieve most of what I want before that..most people do!

10. Have a true romantic moment in Paris, at night, with all the stars and a full moon...:)

Hmm...well...I know some of them are a bit frivolous but there's room in my life for that! I guess I really appreciate the simple things in life, those defining moments when everything seems happy in your world and you want that moment to last forever, it can just be sitting at breakfast on a Sunday morning with your boyfriend or it can be having a real laugh with your little sister or friends.

Bizarre Things

2005-11-01T22:35:00.000Z

Its kind of weird if you think about all the different time zones in the world - who on earth thought up time anyway? It's such a bizarre concept even though we all think its just commonsense. I mean, daylight saving time (clock going backwards or forwards depending on the particular time of year) is really disorienting because it only gets darker because we've gone backwards or lighter because we've gone forward, if that makes sense?

Erk no it doesn't. Did this particular person or group of persons think about the practical implications of time going backward and forward? It's almost as if we're going back in time or forward in time (we are, but I mean in a time machine sense). In fact, perhaps it is possible to travel back in time, but people have memories and without erasing memories it would be impossible to go back to a particular moment, because the people involved would remember. We do go back and forward in time though, especially when travelling to other countries and continents, which is just inexplicably weird. Erk, I say.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder what really is out there, it's interesting that all these people believe in a God or Gods/Goddesses and so on. I mean, I'm not being disrespectful, I'm just one of those people who have decided to renounce religion because of the way I think - for example, I know many Christians who think being gay is bad (not that just particular Christians are like that, other people think that too), or that deaf people are somehow lacking or need to be 'saved' or something - yes, it's madness because deafness has nothing to do with whether you're a good/bad person or whether you need to be pitied.

I've always thought that some of the most extreme facets of certain religions have nothing to do with morality or acceptance, I think some religions are quite close minded and unaccepting. But it isn't just the reason I've changed what I believe, I don't think I ever really believed in God or the bible and so on. I'm a thinker, and I've always had a good imagination, and a belief in the good in people, I think its just that I rationalize things alot too. Its fine that people believe what they do but not if they are small minded about other people's ways of life (like some people have been quite awful about Muslims since particular attacks in London).

Having said that, I'm not getting all heavy again...it always seems to happen when I feel strongly about something :-) My life is okay at the moment, so much okay that I could probably sing about it from the rooftops, but I won't, so there :-P I'm sort of in a lazy phase at the moment, where my work is slightly neglected but I'm still managing to keep up *somehow*. To be honest, I may feel quite happy when I finish University next June, although the independence will be sorely missed and I'll probably start thinking about moving out from home again...and living with my boyfriend...and having a little black cat and living happily ever after until Monday morning when work will probably beckon :-P Oh, and bills!!

A Couple of Thoughts

2005-10-31T23:02:00.000Z

Hey, I've been neglecting this blog for a while, mainly because a) Real life beckons and b) I've got a case of disillusionment with computers and the internet in general. I mean, generally, I enjoy using the internet, and I think computers are invaluable, especially when you're a student and need to do a lot of research and write a lot of essays. I also love the fact that you can buy things online, although I'll come to why this is a bad thing in a minute. I think there are a lot of great resources on the web, and I regularly (like most car-less students) use the Tescos website for my weekly food shop. It's great for finding out practical information, like where things are, how much things are and reviews of things, not to mention mundane essential things like when your local swimming times are.

However, I've found that the internet somehow disconnects you from real life, from the reality and sensuality of the world around you. I mean, it's all very well buying a perfume from an online store, but how do you know what it smells like or even if you will like it? How do you know that the particular pair of trousers you are buying will actually fit perfectly? The internet also encourages people to buy more; like most things in this consumerist world we live in, the more access people get to things they can buy, the more they will feel encouraged to buy. I'm definitely no angel, and I'm not saying that this is bad - especially if you have the money. But there lies the problem - being a student, with rent, train tickets, bills and food to buy, there is enough temptation without such easy access to those extras: clothes, dvds, books, shoes, etc etc.

It's not just internet shopping that disconnects you from reality. When I was a teenager (not that long ago, I'm almost 21), I formed some really good friendships on the internet, especially via Bolt.com - and also reinforced some of my older relationships with real life friends. However, the bolt chatroom world and the constant MSN world somehow made me lose track of reality, of common-sense and I ended up feeling like people in places as far away as America could be true, honest and lifelong friends.

Of course, some of them definitely did end up as lifelong friends, particularly my boyfriend, I'm talking more about people who are extremely far away. It's not a bad thing to talk to different people, but starting to feel too emotionally involved with their lives and feelings was quite draining, especially being a teenager. It also got me too caught up, so that most of my evenings were spent on the computer. When I met my boyfriend, it was the point at which I became more engaged with reality, more engaged with the sensuality of the world. I think when you find people who make life happier and more interesting, life becomes more than just existing.

I think one of my biggest fears is that everything will end up being about technology and the internet and computerized things. To me, the internet is a tool for us to use, but life should not become revolved around computers, because human contact is such a fundamentally important part of life. If we stopped talking to people, stopped interacting with people on a face to face level, we would become nothing but robots, and the technology that we have ironically engineered to 'help' us would become our oppressor. There is only so much that technology should be allowed to do.

Anyway, having said that, everything has a dark side. I've always thought that there is good and evil in the world and there is plenty grey area in between that. As I've said before, I like reading/watching the battle between good and evil. If everything was perfect then it would be boring but there is a certain limit, and a fine balance between good and bad. You can call me disillusioned, I certainly am in particular respects but I think everyone is cynical to some extent about what our world has become. I do appreciate the good things in life though! :-D

Reflections...

2005-10-21T22:36:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to hear everything. Some people would assume that this would make life easier, but it could just make life harder. I've found that so many of my (hearing) friends and relatives moan about the noise levels of some places, about how hard it is to hear what people are saying in a noisy club or bar or restaurant. I find myself getting annoyed with them sometimes when they ask me to repeat myself...talk about role reversal!

I think I've always been quite impatient, and I realise how much patience it takes for some people (especially impatient ones) to repeat themselves for me. But I think it's important to realise that deaf people don't have any choice in the matter, just as hearing people in a crowded noisy place don't. I sometimes find myself feeling grateful for people being patient but then realise that I shouldn't be grateful because it's a basic human right to be able to hear and understand each other. I mean, I'm happy when people repeat things for me but at the same time, being grateful would imply that you should thank someone, if you know what I mean?

On a completely different note, I bought the first two series of Charmed on DVD recently. Its one of those things - Charmed reminds me of how strong a sister bond is and at the same time satisfies my craving for good drama and lots of supernatural happenings. I'm studying a course this term about the Supernatural (in a sociological sense) called 'The Sociology of Anomalous Human Experiences' - basically about parapsychology (paranormal psychology).

Logical science denies such happenings because they believe that it can't be proven scientifically. Parapsychology is basically an academic strand that is devoted to documenting and trying to prove that there can be psychic experiences, and UFO sightings and things like that..rather mad but very interesting all the same :-) Not that I claim to have much first hand experience of these things, but it is obvious that people have had a large amount of paranormal experiences across history. Parapsychologists have conducted some really interesting experiments to prove that humans have psychic capabilities in some cases.

Anyway, back to Charmed! I'm on the second season now, first DVD, its a really good series for anyone interested in supernatural things, especially demons and witches! I've always had a penchant for things that can't be explained, maybe it's that part of people that wants to escape - fantasy and science fiction is a great way to do it. I'm a fan of Fantasy fiction because I just love the fight against good and evil and so on :)

In some ways I find fantasy such a contrast to everyday life, that it is the ultimate escape. The best fantasy books I've read *recently* is the Eragon Trilogy (the third book is in progress though) - 'Eragon' and 'Eldest'. The books are about this boy growing into a man and he finds a dragon egg. The story is about his quest to become a dragon rider - it has all the vital ingredients of fantasy and adventure, like elves and dwarves and so on :D

At the moment, however, I'm reading something closer to reality called 'An Equal Music' by Vikram Seth (a famous fiction writer). Its good so far, but sometimes I find that when I'm not in the right mood, fiction and non-fiction make me feel depressed although there are some fabulously uplifting books out there that I love. This particular book is about how music runs through people's lives and about the power of love to transcend a lifetime. Sounds good..well verdict sometime soon!!

Wanderings....

2005-10-20T21:10:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the world was devoid of all the advertising and images and illusion. It would be my perfect world, one in which you don't feel as though you have to live up to something, as though you have to look a certain way or feel a certain way, because isn't that what western society is about? Because I'm doing Sociology, it's given me an unique way of looking at our world, and a lot of the time I don't really like what I see. I mean, everyone could do without the pressure and negativity of certain images the media projects, of certain ideals we have to feel we live up to. So what if a woman isn't stick thin or wearing the latest fashions. But magazines and television and cinema makes some women feel guilty and take more precedence over their appearance. Why is our world so obsessed with appearance?

I think my ideal world, or Utopia would consist of less judgement, more depth and less prejudice. I wonder if anyone else thinks about these things, wonders what a world like that would be like, where people are individuals with their own thoughts and who are not afraid to express what they think, and not try to oppress other people's ideas. If ideas seem wrong, they only become wrong if they are acted out, or make everyone else unhappy.

Having said that, maybe life is about trying to live your life by certain codes, by believing that you can be a good person and enjoying yourself. It always pays to be open minded and optimistic and try to give as much love as possible to the people that matter to you. I know this world seems obsessed with appearances and so on, but maybe you can try to ignore that, especially if it makes you unhappy. It makes me unhappy sometimes, and I've had furious discussions about it! :D

If At First You Don't Suceed Then Try Again...

2005-10-10T22:41:00.000+01:00

Well...whats to say about my life? I'm a University student at York University and it's great having that independence! It also makes you appreciate family and friends more because you don't see them that often. I live in a house with two other girls - one of them is studying biology and the other is studying history of art. They're both great!

I'm deaf, I have been from the age of 6 when I was diagnosed - I do have memories of being able to hear but I think what happened was that I dealt with it very well up til I was 6, I've always been a good lipreader. I definitely heard more then than I do now - as my hearing deteriorated when I was 15 but I have digital hearing aids and they're really good cos I can hear things fairly clearly. I have always loved music, one of the best memories I've got is me being in a funk and my Dad putting on Michael Jackson's Thriller album, which definitely cheered me up :-) I've always read widely, and I just love to escape to another world in books. I've read so many books that my one fear is that I'll run out of things to read one day!! I've always been optimistic and I refuse to feel as though I'm disabled because labels like that are pathetic because they are so negative. I would say that being deaf has actually enrichened my life in many ways although it is hard work sometimes.

I'm going to be 21 this year so I'm excited about that...I suppose it would make me legal to drink in America - I'm going to New York as a treat before Xmas this year. I've never been to America and I love travelling so it's really something to look forward to. I'm also hoping to go travelling with my boyfriend of 4 years and 8 months - next year we're hopefully going on holiday somewhere together :) My boyfriend lives in Edinburgh and I travel there a lot, I almost consider it a third home! (after York and London). He also has a blog - his url is http://straydogstrutt.blogspot.com/ - so go on have a look..you know you want to :D

I've got a lot of interests, I've always tried to be interested in lots of different things - you don't know whether you'll like something til you've tried it. I think that you have to take a chance with your life and try and make it work for you, try and achieve what you want to achieve. If it doesn't work the first time then you should just keep trying :)